Date: 27th October 2015 at 11:27am
Written by:

10 Kozak

Someone found him this week in the mop cupboard, preserved in carbonite ready for his trip to the emperor. Rumour has it that we might rescue him and thaw him out. A Czech international striker might, I’m hearing – not that I know anything about this sort of thing – be useful as a forward option particularily when we can’t score goals. A mad idea I know. So mad that a lot of you started shouting it from the Holte End on Saturday.

9 History

No team with 4 points after 10 games has ever stayed up. The only possible consideration in our favour is that there has never bee so many teams as poor with so few points at this stage of the season. Bournemouth are 4 points away and Newcastle and Sunderland look like they will be down here for a while though still, it looks exceptionally bleak. We should hire Jesus. He’s cheap and he’s foreign and he works miracles. If the Lord isn’t available then you’re of the opinion we’ll be stuffed by Christmas. Turkey anyone?

8 Rotten

From the top to the bottom apparently. Randy Lerner has gone from yank investor to indifferent state-side asset stripper with little interest in anything but his returns. The appointment of commercial patsy, Fox and his transfer data crunchers have done little to still the wrath. Not one real Villa man amongst them with Fox reported to have hung NFL memorabilia in his office rather than pictures of Villa’s glory. Is it any surprise then, with this insipid, abacus based leadership, that we can’t take a corner? Some of the fans have been hammering this home across the forums and the talk shows this week. In short: it doesn’t matter who we pick as a manager. As long as Lerner and his minions are in charge we are going nowhere but down.

7 Dwight Yorke

He wants to be manager. The white toothed calypso footballer suggests that experience isn’t necessary after a manager with little experience left us 20th in the table. Some fans then posted very unkind statements about his parenting skills with interesting connections drawn between custodianship of a football club and fatherhood. Fascinating.

6 French experts.

I do love twitter. Within five minutes of news about Remi Garde breaking an army of self-appointed french football experts emerged drooling over his record at Lyon and his obvious ability to take us into the Champion’s League. Despite being out of the game for a year, being foreign and never having managed in England he is the apparent answer to all our ills. Unfortunately the coach he wants is contracted to Lyon and Lyon won’t budge, which was the issue when Newcastle went calling so I guess we will wait and see. You, the fans were undecided about Garde and turned to Wikipedia and google to help you decide. Personally, why anyone with ambition and ability would want to manage us at the moment when the chairman seems keen on selling anyone who can kick a ball half-straight is beyond me.

5 Run of Games

Even if some genius figure steps up to the Villa plate he won’t fancy the upcoming league games much. The feint of heart should avert their eyes now: Tottenham(a) Man City(h) Everton(a) Watford(h) Southampton(a) Arsenal(h). Now, I’m looking at the tea leaves here and I’m struggling to see points against anyone other than Watford and even that feels like a push. Throw in some bad weather and this could be a spectacularly grim period for the club.

4 That Swansea winner

After the game the fans adopted a mournful silence though when the beer got going what anger there was surrounded the Swansea winner. It encapsulated everything wrong with Sherwood’s Villa. One midfielder on the pitch, four wingers. Gana let the midfield runner go past him. Bacuna, who was in the middle, was moving so slowly referee Swarbrick then ran past him. Richardson came out of position to offer a challenge, the ball then went wide to Naughton who charged into space vacated by Richardson. Gana and Bacuna were still jogging at this point. Lescott shuffled over to leftback to meet Naughton who curled it low across the box for three on rushing Swansea players. …and another late goal went in. A lack of organised defending will send us down, of that you had no doubt. Can you see it changing? No, nor me.

3 Poyet

Gus Poyet has thrown his hat into the ring. I kid you not. The man who left Sunderland hanging by a thread is 5-1 on for the Villa job. The man from Del Monte has been on the phone and he’s definetely saying no to this one just like most of you. The word is if Poyet gets it then we are all off to support our hard working Villa Ladies team. At least they know how to score and don’t soil themselves each week wearing our famous kit.

2 Moyes

Ten years experience in the Premier League and some continental time on his CV with a point to prove. A lot of you are saying that the experience route offers us our only chance of survival, though he is dour with the face of a man about to commit an exceptionally brutal crime. He would certainly come knowing how to organise a team. The football wouldn’t be pretty but those last minute goals and howlers might stop and Gestede and Kozak might get something to actually hit.
The dream is on.

1 Sacked

Of course we are only looking for a second manager in eight months because the board have pulled the dreaded trigger. Most of you were glad they did. Picture it. After 8 months aboard the Villa life raft, a bearded Tim Sherwood salutes the waves as he finally begins to sink. His final words. “We will definitely stay up. 100%.” You can’t fault the man’s optimism and he’s highly believable, hence why we are all sinking with him – and who can blame us for been sucked in by this chancer. He gave us a hell of a lift didn’t he and we rode that wave all the way to Wembley though in the end it turns out he didn’t really know what he was doing and was more than a little out of his depth, so here we are at the bottom of the barrel, 20th in the table, staring into the abyss. Who’d have thought it would come to this.