Date: 19th October 2015 at 11:31am
Written by:

10 I, Sherwood.

He is still talking about himself in the third person. Like Julius Caesar and Donald Trump before him. “I’m not worried about the future. Tim Sherwood has got enough to worry about.” If Tim Sherwood could have a word with Tim Sherwood about the dire rubbish Tim Sherwood’s Villa are then Tim Sherwood would appreciate it. Thanks Tim. No Problem.

9 Ashley Westwood

A perennial list favourite. His passing stats make him look like a genius until you realise they are all sideways and backwards and within five or six yards of each other. He offers nothing going forward and is lightweight in the tackle. You might as well give a scarecrow the number 15 shirt and stick him in the middle of the field. At least he’d pull in the birds.

8 Ashley Westwood’s corners.

Yes, him again. We are all at the point of pitchforks over this issue. We have some real units in the side; some top heading power yet he still, despite hearing the boos, still cannot take one decent left footed-corner. The fans were pulling up trees over this on Saturday. The fact that we cannot resolve this one issue tells you everything about this team and its management. Note: The low drive that bounced of the first man will be of special interest to Westwood collectors. Do watch the tape back.

7 Accountability

Accountability underpins all forms of management. Sherwood identified this himself when he informed the media that he took full responsibility for results. It’s certainly good to know that he understands the general theory of management when he points out that he’s not asking the team to play sideways and backwards. We should remind him then, like he said, that he holds ultimate responsibility, for it’s his job to get the team playing with style, precision and confidence. Don’t bemoan the players for there poor orienteering and general lack of direction and – whilst we’re at it – don’t go and give Ashley Westwood an improved new deal, hailing him as one of Villa’s best footballers when he’s blatantly played sideways and backwards since he was an egg.

6 They don’t deserve us

Chelsea football club: Champions. You wouldn’t have guessed it. Once again the Villa army showed the home fans what it means to support a football team. We were there to watch our beloved Villa sink to 19th in the table with more noise than you could imagine, and this week at £47 a ticket. Still, we sold out our paltry allocation and gave our all though they don’t deserve us, you said, as you stomped out of the Bridge – and they don’t. When it comes to league football they give us nothing to celebrate. You’d have more chance romping home on a fieldmouse than seeing Villa score on Saturday. We just lack cutting edge. I’ve come to think of us as more butter knife than rapier though butter knives don’t breed goals. Strikers do that. They are quite good with bread though.

5 Guzan

Our beleaguered keeper’s fetish for passing to opposition players continues. This week a ridiculous pass to Lescott ended up at the feet of Diego Costa who promptly slammed one in. This after game losing stinkers at both Palace and Leicester with Tony Parks seemingly unable to cure Brad of his long standing ills. The crowd have had enough of it now and are demanding he be dropped yet he remains first name on the team sheet. I’m not sure what this says to Bunn. He surely couldn’t be any worse. He also has something to prove, though Sherwood continues the miserable Villa tradition of trying to play turkeys into form.

4 Pulling the trigger

Teams on the slump have opted to change manager. Rodgers has gone as has Advocaat. Newcastle were close but the Magpies have suddenly remembered that scoring habit, sticking six past a hapless Norwich. Sherwood was keen to point out, before losing to a poor Chelsea side, that there was no need to panic. There were still ninety points to play for and that we’d be singing his name in four weeks time despite looking as though he is sending Villa into the sinking sand. Debate surrounds what will happen should we fail to beat Swansea at home. Some say he should be fired from the club by cannon; others say that he should be sacked via war catapult though they would allow him to put on helmet and goggles first. I’ll let you all know which side that particular coin falls on.

3 Sinking

We are now 19th in the league and cut adrift and have not won since the opening day of the season. Some wondered if the Villa could sink any lower after Lambert and the answer is yes we can, one place lower as it happens. A well organised Allerdyce Sunderland could soon see us 20th and with Blues doing well in the Championship…. well, the nightmare scenario is on, but don’t worry, we have 29 games left to save our season.

2 Just get to 17th Tim.

Sherwood has just got to finish 17th according to Lerner, at least that’s what Tactics Tim has suggested. Yep that’s right, the man who wants out has set the bar by inspiring his manager to scrape home in 17th spot. Sherwood continues to present this as the growing pains in some empire building master plan (after telling us that we would not be in this position again) as if the idea of selling our best players and replacing them with unproven foreign buys with a sell on value of peanuts was new to us. The fans derided this appalling lack of ambition then crossed themselves against all things Lerner.

1 I am bored

After leaving Stamford Bridge I proceeded to chase a number 14 bus. Whence onboard I made a note on my phone to remind myself to scrape the grout in the shower. The defeat was what I expected. I had no feeling about it whatsoever, though the problem in the shower had become a bother. When I got home I heard that Sherwood was bored watching his own team. Some Villan phoned up the radio and went potty about it. Well welcome to the club, Tim, I thought, marigolds on and old toothbrush in hand. We’ve been bored watching this insipid drivel for about five seasons and you’ve only just caught on? I was then minded to sniff the bleach. [side note: does anyone else wear trunks when they are cleaning the bathroomshower or is it just me?]