Date: 13th August 2010 at 11:17am
Written by:
Kevin Mac's C&B Army!
West Ham

Villa Park

Saturday 1500BST


I very much doubt any of us fully expected the pressure cooker inside former manager Martin O`Neill`s head to explode with such vigour, however with the rather distinct silence from those you`d expect to defend him, one can only reach the conclusion that nobody is actually that arsed that the former boss has departed.

It`s a new claret & blue dawn for both clubs, with West Ham having new owners who have been ell recognised over the summer for their meek behaviour. We Villa fans of course know the daft looking pair well following their time failing to revive a rather silly football club over the road.

It`s Villa
West Ham
Kevin Mac`s Claret & Blue Army!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vital Quotes:

Villa manager Martin O`Neill (aaahhh that`s better) Kevin McDonald has stated he has just one focus this weekend, and that is gaining all 3 points. The caretaker boss, promoted from his role of successful reserve team manager is a potential candidate, and a popular one fan-wise for the full time job. Kevin Mac has spoken to the brand spanking new official website:

“It is different work-wise because with the reserves it’s more on the development side.

“With the first team it’s preparation to try and win a football match.

“As much as we say, it’s nice the reserves have been winning all the time over the past few years, all that matters with the first team is winning football matches.

“It doesn’t matter how you win it. It would be nice to win in style of course but how many teams actually win in style?”

I am sure he who will no longer be named, will love Mac`s views on football style as he added:

“The main thing about first team football is the three points.”

Bazza Bannan, perhaps suffering from small man syndrome has had a whinge about he who cannot be named, and hopes that he will be featuring a little bit more in the Aston Villa squad. In Murray-esque style, the Scotsman said:

“It will be a fresh start for everyone at the club. It’s good in a way that everybody will start afresh. Hopefully I can work hard and force my way in.

“I was stalling, I didn’t think I was going to get my chance with that gaffer. Now he has gone and the reserve manager is in, I’m thinking positively. I get on really well with the reserve manager.

“He is going to take the next couple of games and hopefully when the new manager comes in I can impress him. Kevin had tried to tell the gaffer to give me a chance but he’s his own man and he’s shrewd. But it’s Kevin’s team now and he knows my game inside-out so I think I will have a better chance.”

On he who can no longer be named, Bannan isn`t that surprised that said nameless person left, given his body language during Villa`s pre-season campaign:

“He was sitting back and barely getting out of his seat to say anything to the players. He wasn’t the [he who cannot be named] we knew but we never thought he would walk out.”

Ding dong the witch is dead!


Avram Grant is back! Avram Grant has also won a trophy already and how proud as punch he is. I believe the physical lump of gold-plated plastic is similar in stature to our Peace Cup and can be bought from local Wilko`s nationwide! Grant is optimistic that this won`t be the last it of bargain supermarket trophyware to take back to Bubble land for Tweedle`s dee and dum!

“This [Sboet Cup] was my first trophy as West Ham manager and of course I hope to win more. It was a good game but we must remember it was a friendly and the last game of preparation for the season. We saw good things and some things we could improve. We defend well and as a team but the attacking side can be better.”

“We needed to play more quickly. The first half we weren’t very quick but it was not a typical English opponent. They passed the ball a lot but not in our area. We couldn’t press them. We are improving all the time. The players are in better condition. It is OK for this period for the team but the most important thing is we need to improve for the first [league] game.”

Meanwhile, “Thomas ‘der MC Hammer` Hitzlsperger” has been impressing people. Well, he`s been impressing former Aston Villa team-mate Can`t Control (Carlton Cole) who I only remember one thing from his time at Villa, which was scoring against Newcastle where a cross came in and it appeared that he simply rant into the spinning football and somehow they all ended up in the net!

The former England international (lolz) said:
“Thomas is a great player and a great and a personality around the changing room as well. Hopefully he will bring a lot to us. I wish him all the success and hopefully he cracks it for us. He will create a few for me and score a few himself.
‘He is a great striker of the ball and passer. I know that by playing with him when I was on loan at Aston Villa. I know what he can bring to the team. He is experienced as well so the young players can feed off that.’


Kevin Mac’s C&B Army! Team News:

Friedel, Warnock, Dunne, Collins, Cuellar, Downing, Petrov, Milner, Young, Agbonlahor Heskey/Carew.

No wait, he who can no longer be named has gone, yay!

Big Mac (see what I did there?) has stated he has no qualms in throwing his younger charges into the first team. Carlos Cuellar and James Collins are both set to be ruled out through injury. Gabby Agbonlahor has returned to training.

John Carew has picked up another mystery back injury, and with rumours of former England boss and all-round love expert Sven Sven Goran Eriksson rumoured to be in town, if the owner of the Rocket Club is reading this, just give the club a tinkle, let them know that big JC is ok yeah?

Player to watch: Friddy P

Captain Friedel, as I fully expect him to be named. Before this season is out Big Brad (soon to be middle brad if Bob ‘Brad` Bradley joins us) will turn 40 and whilst some think he`s a liability, pre-season he pulled off the kind of saves us mid-20-somethings can only dream of.

That may however be due to my complete lack of ability.

West Ham Team News:

Former Villan Thomas HItzlsperger looks set to miss out on a Villa Park reunion having picked up a thigh injury. Can`t really find much other information about the West Ham team news, but I would imagine most reading this won`t particularly care.

Player to watch: Rob Teflon Green

If there`s one thing we know what to do now, is not to try and hit the ball either side of former England keeper Rob Green. This would suggest that Emile Heskey should start, as the former Norwich stopper seems to have issues with strikers who hammer the ball right at him.

Match Facts & Stats

I was going to post the original, as someone who was born in Newport, South Wales! For some reason however I believe the original record label didn`t like it. That said, Malpas Court Primary School`s second most famous export (after yours truly,) Goldie Lookin Chain hit back! So enjoy!

I`m not sure if you`ve noticed, but he who can no longer be named has gone. No more silly touchline jumping, no more bizarre press briefings, nor angry players. THE NEW DAWN IS HERE!

Marlon Harewood has signed for Blackpool, Ian Holloway and Marlon Harewood together, if they sign Salifou I`m off to join the Tangerine army!

Despite the risk that Bob Bradley may join us, I think we`re all sat here on this dismal looking Friday with an awful sense of excitement about the weekend.


Ref Watch:

A new start for the refs, and we`ve been handed mummys-boy looking Mike Dean who so far has issued 0 yellow and 0 red cards in his 0 games this season.

Match Prediction:

A thumping 47-0 win with a re-energised Habib Beye scoring at least 7.

Next Fixtures:

Villa make a speedy exit from England (see what I`m going to do here?) to visit Rapid Vienna on Thursday.

Thanks for reading folks, don`t forget to check out the he who can no longer be named departure dedication prayer! Available here!


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