All I Want For Christmas Is Ewe

All I Want For Christmas Is Ewe

I hate Christmas. Last year the wife bought me a ‘Rudolf’ umbrella just so she could use the line, ‘It looks line rain dear’. My decision to kick her out of the house was perfectly justified.

In a freakish coincidence, I saw another umbrella as a result of her mother’s gift. I can’t complain too much though, it had a street value of £35.

The Premiership’s very own ‘Rudolf’ will soon be joining me in the miserable corner. Fergie’s title aspirations received a Hammer blow last week; the Villa can land a knockout strike at 9/2.

I’m taking the kids to Villa Park to see young Rooney; it’s the only way they’ll get to see a fat man with a beard this Christmas. Get your claws into Petrov at 16/1 to score the first goal.

Apparently, the Chelsea players are spending a total of £5 on presents for each other; typical flash footballers. A win over Wigan at 4/9 could see the champions on top of the tree on Christmas day.

AC Milan president Silvio Berlusconi has sensationally labelled Andriy Shevchenko a ‘lap-dog’. At least the Chelsea flop is under the thumb of a super-model; I get ordered around by a mad Sweaty. I’m nuts about the 4/1 for a Drogba opener.

Everton have asked the FA to launch an enquiry into Jose Mourinho’s tirade against Andy Johnson; I expect the FA’s report to contain three words.

Like Jesus, Steve Coppell has performed absolute miracles this season. I can see Reading getting the better of the Moyes boys at 7/5.

I was shocked to read that Anton Ferdinand made out with Big Brother’s Aisleyne at West Ham’s Christmas do. It wasn’t the fact that he was partying so soon after Alan Pardew’s dismissal that upset me; I just hate to picture unattractive people kissing. I’m cuddling the 9/4 about a draw between Fulham and the Hammers.

Liverpool’s festive shindig looked a classy affair. Robbie Fowler dressed up as Saddam Hussein, Dirk Kuyt donned a Superman outfit and I’m guessing Peter Crouch came as the beanstalk. Jermaine Pennant wanted to go as a highway robber; but was told he needed fancy dress. You can’t disguise the fact that Liverpool will demolish Watford at 1/4.

Stevie Gerrard has been awarded the freedom of the borough of Knowsley. One perk is that he can freely drive his sheep down the main street; Craig Bellamy wants a piece of that action. I want a piece of the 9/2 about Bellamy netting the opener.

Where would we be without laughter? Watching Soccer AM. I’m in hysterics at the 7/4 on offer for a Bolton win at Manchester City.

Could there be more to Iain Dowie’s dismissal than meets the eye? There’s a rumour going around that he was sacked to avoid potential mistletoe related resignations at the Crimbo lash-up. That theory remains contentious; few would argue with the 4/5 on offer for Boro at home to the Addicks.

Arsenal v Blackburn is as close as you can get to ‘Beauty and the Beast’ without staring through my front window. The 4/11 about the Gunners is simply stunning.

Robbie Savage must be backed at 7/4 to pick up a booking. It’s the only way he’ll get a card this Christmas.

I’m incredibly jealous of Matt Taylor. While i’ve been stuck at home with a Christmas pudding, the Pompey star has bagged a couple of real crackers. The 8/13 on offer for a Portsmouth win over Sheffield United is so attractive; I’m considering kicking the wife out and moving it in.

I’m embarrassed to say that if Tottenham fail to win at St James’ Park, the kids are having bread and butter for their Christmas dinner. If Spurs come through at 7/4, I’m going to splash out on a jar of strawberry jam.

I am so confident that the weekend accer of Arsenal, Boro, Pompey, Reading and Chelsea will romp in at 12/1; i’ve already paid for the wife’s Christmas presents out of the winnings. There’s a miniskirt and a weekend break in Ipswich under the tree.

Weekend Betting:

Fulham v West Ham
Saturday 23rd December 12:45
Live on Sky

Fulham 13/10
Draw 9/4
West Ham 2/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Harewood to score in a 1-1 draw 16/1

Arsenal v Blackburn
Saturday 23rd December 15:00

Arsenal 4/11
Draw 7/2
Blackburn 8/1

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Robin Van Persie to score direct from a free kick 7/1

Aston Villa v Man Utd
Saturday 23rd December 15:00

Aston Villa 9/2
Draw 11/4
Man Utd 4/6

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:
Petrov to score the only goal of the game 125/1

Liverpool v Watford
Saturday 23rd December 15:00

Liverpool 1/4
Draw 9/2
Watford 14/1

Get on: Liverpool

Match Special:
Bellamy to score a hat-trick 16/1

Man City v Bolton
Saturday 23rd December 15:00

Man City 6/4
Draw 9/4
Bolton 7/4

Get on: Bolton

Match Special:
Diouf to score with a header 8/1

Middlesbrough v Charlton
Saturday 23rd December 15:00

Middlesbrough 4/5
Draw 12/5
Charlton 7/2

Get on: Middlesbrough

Match Special:
Middlesbrough to score four or more goals 7/1

Newcastle v Tottenham
Saturday 23rd December 15:00

Newcastle 6/4
Draw 9/4
Tottenham 7/4

Get on: Tottenham

Match Special:
Berbatov and Defoe both to score 8/1

Portsmouth v Sheff Utd
Saturday 23rd December 15:00

Portsmouth 8/13
Draw 5/2
Sheff Utd 9/2

Get on: Portsmouth

Match Special:
Matt Taylor to score from outside the area 7/1

Reading v Everton
Saturday 23rd December 15:00

Reading 7/5
Draw 9/4
Everton 2/1

Get on: Reading

Match Special:
Reading to keep a clean sheet 13/8

Wigan v Chelsea
Saturday 23rd December 17:15
Live on Premiership Plus

Wigan 7/1
Draw 3/1
Chelsea 4/9

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
Chelsea to win either 2-0 or 3-0 11/4

By Gerry McDonnell