And The New Manager Is? (joke)

{tongue in cheek mode on}

Vital Villa questioned yesterday whether Villa were about to announce a new manager: Is A New Manager Set To Be Declared?

Reports today say that Villa are set to announce the name of David O’Leary’s replacement and although I shouldn’t break ranks with the rest of the press, I can exclusively reveal that The Birmingham Mail and others have got it wrong. I believe they will announce Martin O’Neill as the new boy.

WRONG

I put in a job application a couple of weeks ago:
I’ve Applied For The Managers Job and William Hills installed me as a 50/1 outsider: 50/1 For Fear

As you all know, I’ve got on well with Doug Ellis over the years and it hasn’t gone unnoticed that I sit right by the dug out and my advice and experience has been invaluable to so many of our managers and players, that … I can say, with a tear in my eye … my job application was successful and I will be named the new manager.

Now fair enough, this is only in a parallel universe, but never-the-less it is a massive step up for me from managing my subuteo team.

The best thing about it is I now get to drink the lucazade from the physio’s supply and also get a better seat in the stadium. Negotiations are still ongoing as to whether they can afford to supply me with a pogo stick in order for me to be able to jump up and down on the touchline or if they want a slightly more reserved manager, if so I’ve one of those v shaped neck pillows so I can just chill.

I’ve considered Roy Aitken as my number two but following the shock resignation of Doris the tea lady last week, I’ve decided her experience (not to mention her Earl Grey) is too impressive to ignore.

I’ve got some radical plans to shake the team up.

Sorenson will be replaced, not with Taylor, but by Hercules the lion because he is fit, strong and big enough to fill the goal without moving. Bella, I hope, will become the first female to play in the Premiership. As for the rest of the players, they are in for a gruelling 1 hour of training a day, then we’ll all go to my gaff and play on the playstation, this I hope will give them enough rest so they don’t get so tired during the 90 minutes of real matches.

Who gets selected? Well, I’m going to go with a 2-2-2-2-2 formation and will rotate them. David O’Leary didn’t seem to have a system for substitutions and team selections, so I’ve devised a fail safe system. We’ll all play a kerplunk tournament a few hours before the game and players and their positions will decided on the drop of the marbles – I said drop of marbles, not that I’ve lost my marbles.

I will also definitely give youth a chance as my nephew, Bailey William Fear, who is 10, will start up front.

I’ll take your chants of ‘Fear Out’ as a vote of confidence, because I know when you say out you really mean in.

Champions League, here we come.
(aka, looney bin, here I come).

{tongue in cheek mode off}