Hercs in the Dressing Room before Man Utd

*We join the lads getting a spirited team talk from Houllier before the Man Utd match*

Houllier: …Would you be willing to trade all ze days from zis day to zat for un chance, just un chance to come back here and tell our enemies they may take our lives, but zey’ll never take ….. Our freedom!!!!

*Houllier punches the air expecting a mighty roar from the lads, but he gets silence.*

Houllier: Freeeeeedom!

*Houllier again gets no reply and looks confused*

Petrov: Boss … This is the physio room.

Houllier: They physi …. Then why are you all here?

NRC: We’re all injured boss.

Houllier: Injured?

Cuellar: Aye bass, more to tha point though, why are ye wearing a kilt?

Houllier: … I thought it would add to the speech …. Wait a minute … Why are YOU wearing a kilt?

*Everyone looks at Houllier like he’s gone insane*

Cuellar: ’cause I’m Carlos Cuellar.

*Houllier leaves to enter the dressing room speaking as he strolls through the door.*

Houllier: …So gentlemen I trust we won’t show nerves as we did the first half against….

*Houllier scans the empty dressing room seeing Ciaran Clark’s head sticking out from behind a chair*

Houllier: Ciaran!

*Clark jumps up visibly shaken*

Clark: y….y…Yes boss?

Houllier: What is ze meaning of zis!?

Clark: We’re scared boss …. We’ve heard that Paul Scholes kicks children.

Houllier: Oh, silly boys come on out all of you.

*Albrighton climbs out of a waste paper bin*

Albrighton: What … So …Paul Scholes doesn’t kick children?

Houllier: Of course he does. But he is banned from zis match.

*There is a large sigh of relief around the dressing room as the rest of the team climb, slither and crawl from their hiding places.*

Houllier: We have nothing to fear out there and I believe…. Wait who are you two?

Salifou: I’m Moustapha Salifou.

Osbourne: and I’m Moustapha Salifou.

Salifou: You’re Isaiah Osbourne! I am Salifou.

Osbourne: Oh …. I thought that…

Houllier: Alright, alright enough of this nonsense, have you any experience of padding a team by sitting on the bench?

Osbourne: Have We! Moustapha wrote the book on sitting on the bench.

*Osbourne holds up a copy of ‘Life’s a Bench’ by M.Salifou*

Salifou: Yeah and Isaiah recorded the audiobook.

*Salifou presses play on a CD player*

CD Player: ‘….Always, ALWAYS make sure you sit evenly, the last thing you want is a dead cheek at half-time….’