Date: 9th April 2010 at 12:15pm
Written by:

*We join the lads gearing up for their semi-final clash against Chelsea*

MON: Ah I love a semi.

*The dressing room erupts with laughter.*

MON: Alright settle down you filthy lot.

Collins: Oh My God! What’re we going to do!? We can’t do anything against the Chelsea machine! We’re doomed!

*Collins grabs MON by both sides of his tracksuit jacket and screams hysterically in his face*

Collins: Doomed!!!

*Petrov adjusts the captain’s armband and slaps Collins about the face*

Petrov: Get a hold of yourself! They are but men!

*Collins ashamedlely lowers his head*

Collins: I’m sorry captain … I shall issue an apology via Twitter at once.

Petrov: I don’t use Twitter, it’s weird.

*a grinning Delph slaps Collins*

Delph: Get a hold of yourself!

Collins: Ow! I already had a hold of myself!

Delph: Yeah … Right … Sorry.

*MON has a knowing glint in his eye and a wry smile*

Dunne: What’s with tha knowin’ glint in yer eye dere bass?

Cuellar: Och an ye wee, wry smile?

MON: Easter lads, Frank Lampard will no doubt have stuffed himself to a stupour, look at him.

*MON hits a notice board with his pointer there is a picture of Frank Lampard in action with a ‘+’ sign, then a picture of a foil wrapped easter egg, then an ‘=’ sign then a picture MON jumping for joy*

MON: He has the look of a man partial to a chocolate egg or two does he not? This will exponentially slow him down. Pah! John Terry dared question our discipline and it will be theirs which will be their undoing!

*The lads slowly hide the eggs they have been scoffing throughout the team talk, Ashley Young is sliding an egg underneath his chair with his foot*

A.Young: Great plan boss.

*Cuellar is dusting Cadbury’s Flake from his beard*

Cuellar: Aye, brillian’.

*NRC enters, he’s beaming and casually eating an easter egg*

NRC: Hey guys great news, the physio says I’m fit to play and …. Why’s everyone looking at me like that?

MON: You always have to defy me don’t you Nigel?

NRC: Defy you? What … You want some easter egg?

*The room falls silent and uncomfortable as MON seeths with rage, NRC puts one cupped hand to his mouth and addresses the lads*

NRC (whispering): Is he diabetic?

*Delph breaks the silence slapping Collins*

Delph: Get a hold of yourself!

Collins: I said I’m fine!