We join the lads preparing for their match against Wolves, Delph is visibly upset*
A.Young: Don’t worry too much about it Fabian, I’m sure you’ll get the chance to play Wolves in the future.
Delph: It’s not just that (sniff), look at this …
*Delph holds up the fixture list to Young*
Delph: Stoke, Bolton, Blackburn, Wolves I’m missing the lot!
A.Young: You know Fabian some people would consider themselves lucky not to be playing these matches. But I’m sure Gabby is just as gutted as you. Eh Gabby?
Gabby: uh …. Yeah … Gutted, my back is killing me.
A.Young: Back? I thought it was your calf?
*Gabby rubs his arm*
Gabby: Um … Yeah, my calf … Very sore.
A.Young: That’s your elbow!
Gabby: Look I’m just injured alright!
*Gabby runs out of the dressing room full pelt*
Collins: I’m with Gabby, I ‘relish the physical challenge’ as much as the next man but I’m beginning to forget what I look like without a black eye or head bandage or neck collar. I’m like that guy who’s always faking his injuries.
A.Young: Avid Merrion?
Collins: No, no, the one with he big hat and glasses, always wears purple….
Heskey: …. The Archbishop of Canterbury?
Collins: Yeah, yeah that’s the one.
Heskey: James, that’s not a neck brace, it’s a dog collar…
Collins: Hey, I didn’t judge Stan Collymore, I won’t judge that guy either.
Heskey: No, it’s not anything like that James he….
Collins: I don’t want to know Emile, his business is his business.
Houllier: Bonjure ma eau de toilletes!
*The lads all look at each other*
Houllier: I am ‘ow you say a sociable boss, ‘ere I ‘ave a joke for you. What is ze difference between running through a minefield and our fixture list?
*Houllier scans the room taking in the shrugs of the players*
*The dressing room erupts with laughter.*
Houllier: Well I suppose you are less likely to lose a limb in ze minefield. All I ask of you is to win every remaining match zis season.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
Houllier: I stopped joking at ‘nothing’.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter once more*
*The dressing room falls silent and the players look at each other uncomfortably*
Houllier: Now Emile, you will play upfront and score all the goals, Stephen you will be playing left back.
Houllier (mutters under his breath): For Coventry
Warnock: What was that boss?