Date: 9th September 2010 at 10:43am
Written by:

*We join the lads as their new boss introduces himself*

Houllier: Bonjour tout le monde, I am Gerard Houllier, your new manager.

Gabby: Wow! I was a big fan of yours when I was a kid Mr Coolio sir. I loved ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ it was my first cassette tape and…

Houllier: Coolio? Who is this Coolio you speak of?

*Gabby looks confused*

Houllier: Anyway, I have read in ze press that a few of the players I have had dealings with before feel how you say ‘pressurised’ by my appointment. Let me assure you Brad, Stephen and John that you will be treated no differently than any other players.

Friedel: Gee, thanks boss, that’s a relief.

Houllier: I won’t be spoken to like that! Friedel you’re fired! Your contract I tear it up! I tear it up in your face!

*Houllier mimes tearing up a contract*

Friedel: What?… But…

Houllier: Your face! Warnock, how dare you look at me like that!

Warnock: Come again? I wasn’t even looking at you boss?

Houllier: How do you expect me to manage a player who won’t look at me when I talk to them? You’re going on loan to Coventry!

Warnock: Coventry!? but I’m the clubs only senior left back and…

Houllier: Coventry! Now be quiet I am talking to Coventry on the phone. Hello? Is this Coventry? Yes, this is Gerard Houllier ….. Yes THE Gerard Houllier and I am calling you to tell you that you are having Stephen Warnock on loan until his contract expires or he is dead.

Warnock: You’re not even on the phone! You’re just talking to your hand with your thumb and little finger extended!

*Houllier holds his other hand up to Warnock whilst nodding and listening to the ‘phone’*

Houllier: The deal is done.

*Carew is sitting quietly in the corner politely sipping tea*

Houllier: And you! Carew! Continue with your outlandish behaviour, slurping your tea like a caveman and you’re out!

*Carew gently puts down his tea and sits nervously to attention*

Carew: Yes boss!

Houllier: and what is this you’re wearing!? Your clothes zey look like a traffic accident!

*Carew looks down at his clothes,then at the rest of the team.*

Carew: We’re all wearing our kit boss.

Houllier: Silence! I demand you wear something more appropriate or you’re out!

Carew: But everyone else is…

Houllier: Silence!

*Carew skulks off to the lockers returning a few moments later*

Houllier: Now what is this you’re wearing!? You come to training with your new manager looking like a homeless vagabond!?

Carew: It’s a tuxedo!?

Houllier: You’re fired Carew! Fired!

Carew: But it’s as smart as I…

Houllier: Silence!