Date: 22nd March 2010 at 10:48am
Written by:

*We join John Carew who has been called for a meeting with MON after the draw with Wolves*

MON: Hi John,

Carew: Hi boss.

MON: Take a seat. Look, people are questioning whether you were offside for your two goals.

Carew: What? Even after the referreeing decisions at the league cup final?

MON: Yeah I know, I said that, ridiculous. But nonetheless football is a ‘business’ now, so like a business if you are seen to flagging in an area you must be re-trained.

Carew: Re-trained? But I score goals, well when I feel like it I do.

MON: Don’t worry John, it won’t be anything intensive just a bit of offside training, we’ll be adopting the ‘explaining offside to your girlfriend’ method.

Carew: What’s that?

*MON pushes forward a number of random items on his desk.*

MON: OK John, now you are this 1979 European Cup winners medal. The one I almost single handedly won.

Carew: O…K

MON: and the salt is a defender.

*MON holds up a salt shaker, Fabian Delph sticks his head around the door*

Delph: Assault a defender?!

MON: No Fabian.

*Delph groans and hangs his head.*

MON: Hang on, what’s that in your hands?

Delph: This? It’s Kevin Doyle’s leg, Stilyan thought I might like it.

MON: Fabian! Give that back to Kevin at once! Right, what was I saying? Salt, last defender …. Oh … John imagine my glasses case is Ashley Young.

Carew: Hi Ashley. How are you? Thanks for setting me up with that cross and….

MON: No, I mean just that it’s a player and he has the ball.

Carew: Right.

MON: now if he plays you … the medal … (that I won) the ball when you’re past the salt….

Carew: Here you go boss.

*Carew hands MON the salt*

MON: No, no I don’t want the salt.

Carew: Why did you ask for it then?

MON: I didn’t, I was just …. Forget it! Just score goals out there.

Carew: Right you are boss.

*Carew stands up to leave*

MON: Oh and don’t forget your certificate.

*MON hands Carew a certificate*

Carew: A GNVQ in offside?

MON: Congratulations.