Date: 29th January 2010 at 2:59pm
Written by:

*We join the lads in preperation for their match against Fulham*

MON: OK lads due to the recent league goal drought I’ve bought in a man who knows where the back of the net is, lads please welcome Dwight Yorke!

*Dwight Yorke strolls casually into the dressing room to generous applause*

Yorke: Thankyou, thankyou.

*Gabby raises his hand*

Yorke: Gabriel?

Gabby: Give us back our net!

Yorke: What?

Gabby: Our net! You know where it is!

*The lads are holding Gabby back*

MON: Gabriel, Gabriel it’s just an expression meaning he’s a prolific striker.

*Gabby sits down still staring accusingly at Yorke*

Yorke: O…..K, anyway Emile, I’ll start with you.

*Heskey smiles a proud grin*

Yorke: Back in Trinidad and Tobago we have a word for the type of striker you are …. rubbish.

MON: So Dwight, any advice?

Yorke: Certainly, I would suggest that perhaps when you get a chance, you shoot …. You might score.

*Heskey scribbles attentively on his notepad*

Heskey: Shoot….. Might …… Score.

Yorke: And you Gabriel, you have it all, pace, power you just need to work on your decision making.

*Gabby leans in with interest*

Yorke: I mean what’re you doing getting these munters pregnant? Look at me, I bagged Jordan, raise the bar man!

*Gabby nods*

Yorke: You Big John, you’re spending too long out there trying to look good.

*Yorke pulls a folded photo out of his pocket*

Yorke: Look at this, do I look like I’m concerned with looking good?

*It’s a picture of Yorke smiling at the camera, he’s wearing the hideous ’94 green, red and black Muller away shirt*

Carew: No.

Yorke: No I don’t, because I’m more concerned with beating the man and scoring goals.

Harewood: What about me Dwight!? How can I improve?

Yorke: You? You should not play football.

Harewood: Why because of my broken foot?

Yorke: No.

MON: Right thanks for that Dwight, lads go out out there and for the love of God one of you score!