Date: 24th March 2010 at 1:03pm
Written by:

*We join John Carew and Gabriel Agbonlahor approaching the dressing room before the match against Sunderland, they’re much earlier than usual*

Gabby: I like goals.

Carew: I know Gabby, I know.

Gabby: Yeah ….. Like when you kick it in and the crowd goes ‘Yay!’

Carew: Yeah, yeah. That’s nice, sometimes I just like to relax out there too you know? Watch a game go by but it’s is pretty cool to score.

Gabby: … and you’re all like ‘Yippee!’ and they’re all like ‘you’re the daddy!’ and you’re like ‘Again?’

*Carew looks confused*

Carew: O…K

*The lads can hear singing from the dressing room as they approach it.*

Heskey: Emile Heskey, Heskey. He’s bigger than you or me, he’s gonna score two or three, Em Heskey, Heskey!

Gabby: Is that Emile?

Carew: He’s nicking my song!

*Gabby and Carew hurry to the doors, as they enter Heskey scrambles to screw a piece of paper in his hand into a ball and tidy away a subbuteo set*

Gabby: Wow subbuteo! Can I play?

Heskey: er… No the games over, sorry.

Gabby: That’s OK we can start a new one.

*Gabby unfolds the pitch which was covering most of the players, he scans the the selection of Sunderland and Aston Villa figures, then gasps with horror*

Gabby: My legs!?

*The Gabby subbuteo player has had the base and legs broken off, Gabby touches his actual legs to confirm that they are intact*

Heskey: Yeah…. I ….. You’re injured.

Carew: And what injury is it that I have!?

*Carew picks up his figure, only identifiable by the ‘Carew 10’ on the back …. The head has been removed*

Heskey: I …. Um…..

*Carew snatches the ball of paper from Heskey, shaking his head whilst lifting the Heskey player which literally has the ball glued to it’s feet.*

Carew: And whats this … The score?….. Aston Villa 8 – Sunderland 3? …… You scored all our goals, won man of the match? ….. And …. I scored an Own Goal Hatrick!?

Heskey: You had a tough time out there, you’re playing injured.

*Gabby holds up a dictaphone*

Gabby: What’s this?

*Gabby presses play, the ‘Em Heskey, Heskey’ chant comes to an end, the tape continues*

Dictaphone-Heskey (with a commentator’s voice): And can anyone stop Heskey? He’s cutting through the Sunderland defence like a hot knife through butter.

*Carew and Gabby look sceptically at Heskey*

Heskey: What? His words not mine.

Dictaphone-Heskey (with a high pitched/ girl’s voice): We love you Emile!

Dictaphone-Heskey (with a gruff, burly voice): You’re useless Carew, absolutely useless!

*Gabby and Carew look at Heskey, eyebrows raised*

Heskey: What? You can’t argue with the fans they ARE the club.

*MON enters the dressing room he’s cleaning his glasses*

MON: Right Emile so are we ready to finish our preview of the mat….. Gabriel? John? …. You’re …. Early.