Date: 2nd November 2009 at 5:25pm
Written by:

In the dressing room from Hercs:

*The lads mull over their draw against Everton*

MON: Well lads, there were good points and bad points. Big John scored, he’s really sent me a message.

*Carew pumps his fists*

Carew: Yes!

MON: …That he’s far better as a substitute.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter, Carew hangs his head*

MON: Now Carlos you got sent off which on the face is of it is bad.

Cuellar: I dinnae ken wha’ happened cap’tain.

MON: Well in my day you could decapitate someone as long as you touched the ball. As a matter of fact when I won the 79-80 European Cup final (a game I was magnificent in by the way) I’m pretty sure Viv Anderson did just that, all they got was a throw-in.

*Milner raises his hand*

MON: James?

Young: Did tha player die like boss?

MON: Die? Die!? Players were made of stronger stuff back then James, it would take more than a beheading to stop us playing in europe. Isn’t that right Robbo?

*John Robertson nods*

A.Young: Didn’t you miss the year before through injury boss?

MON: My leg was hanging on by a thread Ashley, I wanted to play, I even considered killing Robbo and wearing his face so they’d let me play.

*John Robertson looks horrified*

MON: I’m joking John of course and by joking I mean I tried and failed. Anyway, what was I saying? Ah yes. With Carlos suspended the right back position is now available, any volunteers?

*Luke Young and Habib Beye raise their hands eagerly*

Beye: Me, me boss, pick me!

L.Young: No boss me, choose me!

*MON gazes over the team almost as though he can’t see L.Young or Beye*

MON: No-one?

Beye: MEEEEEEEE!!!!

L.Young: Boss me please!!

MON: Right, no takers then. Nigel you’re up.

NRC: Aw! But boss Luke and….

MON: Hush Nigel!

NRC: But they’re both full-b…

MON: Are you looking for contretemps!?

——–

In the dressing room by Benham:

Mon and team have a meeting

MON: ok lads, got some injuries ahead of Wednesdays game as well as Carlos out suspended….Warnock is out, which leave us short at left back
Nicky Shorey: *coughs*
Mon: yes?
Ns……….nothing
Mon: okkkkkkkk………, right back….who we got? Don’t wanna put Nigel there after last time……Milner’s out, hmmmm…..
*Luke young starts coughing*
John Robertson: o stop messin him about mart, just ask him
Mon: haha….ok, just my sense of humour…slick boss you see….Luke!
Young: yes boss…..?
Mon: do you know anyone who can play right back?
Young: erm………….yeah
Mon: o of course…………gardner!
Young: well….no
Mon: why not? Is it because he’s black?
Young: he’s not black tho
Mon: nevermind that!!! Why cant he play there?
Young: cause I’m a right back…..
Mon: o I see…….so who goes at left back then?
Young: Nicky?
Mon: ‘laughs’ your avin a laugh ain’t ya? You can go there
Young: I don’t want to play at left back!
Mon: o so you’re gonna let the team down then?
Young: well now its cause….
Mon: no no its fine, ill play there shall i??? 55 year old man, all because poor little Lukey don’t like it
Young: ok ill play there
Mon: no no forget it, I know….how about Bouma, ok he’s still injured but that’s ok CAUSE YOU DON’T WANNA PLAY THERE DO YOU LUKE!!
Young: no its fine honest
Mon: get out
Young: what?
Mon: you heard….get out
Young leaves
Mon: so no bringing your bad vibes in my team ok…..immature little…..