Date: 13th January 2010 at 7:55pm
Written by:

*We join the lads gearing up for the first leg of their semi-final against Blackburn* In The Dressing Room – Pre-Carling Cup Semi!

*We join Emile Heskey in a dressing gown and underpants, he’s playing Call of Duty on the XBox and is holding the phone between his face and his shoulder*

Heskey: Hi Boss, I can’t make it to today’s match. I’m snowed in.

MON: What!? This is terrible Emile!

Heskey: Yeah I know, it’s a real shame. I was looking forward to playing Sam Allardyce’s Blackburn in the cold and snow but alas I’m trying my best I just can’t dig my way out.

TV: ‘Dogs! Coming right at us!’

Heskey: Die you stinking mutt!

MON: Emile!? Did you just call me a stinking mutt!?

Heskey: No….. It’s a dog …….. trying to stop my digging plight.

MON: And you’re trying to kill it?

Heskey: Yes? …. With the shovel, the shovel I’m digging my way out of the snow with.

MON: You show that dog who’s boss Emile!

Heskey: OK boss anyway have a nice match, bye.

*Heskey hears a loud whirring outside, he opens his front door and peers out*

MON (with Megaphone): Emile grab the ladder!

*a helicopter is hovering above Heskey’s head, MON has thrown down a rope ladder, Heskey climbs it and sits miserably next to MON*

Heskey: Boss really, you shouldn’t have.

MON: It’ll take more than an injury or avalanche to stop me fielding you Emile.

Heskey: Yeah, great, cheers.

MON: Aren’t you cold?


*MON strolls confidently into a press conference, he takes a seat and wiggles his glasses*

MON: Good afternoon everyone, a bit chilly isn’t it? Any questions?

Journo #1: Hi Martin, Bob from the Sun.

MON: Hello Bob, nice scarf.

Journo #1: Thanks, have you anything to say about the rumour I just made up that you’re interested in signing Victor Moses.

MON: Well…. You just said you made it up there.

Journo #1: Yes, but do you confirm or deny your interest?

MON: Well I’ve heard alot about this lad, mainly from links to other clubs.

Journo #1: Yes I made them all up, so are you going to sign him or what?

MON: I doubt it. I have three lads waiting in the wings Albrighton, Clark and Delfouneso in many ways they’re like new signings.

Journo #1: Not really like new signings are they Martin? They’re alot more like products of the youth system, not very exciting. How about Callum Best, like Callum Best would you?

MON: Does Callum Best even play football?

*Bob mutters to himself as he jots on his notepad*

Journo #1: ‘Martin O’Neill in Best Slam’

MON: Hang on what are you writing there?

Journo #2: Hi Martin, Richard here from the Daily Express.

MON: Hello Richard, mind if I call you Dick or Dicky?

Journo #2: Yes I do mind. Not signing any foreigners are you?

MON: I’m not signing anyone, I’ve said it 100 times.

Journo #2: Good, good. Joining the fight against the extremists are you?

MON: What? What’re you talking about?

*Richard mutters to himself as he jots on his notepad, whilst taking another spoon of cottage cheese*

Journo #2: ‘O’Neill vows to keep football british’

MON: Now hang on I didn’t say anything of the sort!

*Richard is packing his things together*

Journo #2: Bye Martin, watch out for immigrants.

Journo #3: Alright Martin, Daily Star.

MON: Hi I..

*Journo #3 Unfolds a double page poster of a topless glamour girl*

Journo #3: Check out the norks on that!

MON: Er…. Very nice … Any football related questions?

Journo #3: Nah, we’ll just copy The Sun.

Journo #1: Hey!