Date: 22nd December 2009 at 6:07pm
Written by:

*We join the lads congregated in a dinner hall awaiting their Christmas dinner. Gabby and Petrov are playing chess on the set Gabby has just opened*

Petrov: so yes first you must move your knight or your pawn.

*Gabby giggles*

Gabby: My pawn.

Petrov: Yes this is what I said, move your pawn.

*Gabby giggles again*

Petrov: What is funny!? Move your pawn!

*Gabby falls about laughing, Petrov mutters in bulgarian and storms off*

*Heskey is asleep and snoring on a chair in a santa hat. Delfouneso and Delph are trying to wake him*

Delfouneso: Emile! Emile! Emile!

Delph: Emile! Emile!

Delfouneso & Delph: EMIIIIIIIIIILE!

*Heskey wakes with a start*

Heskey: What!?

Delph: Emile, you’re missing Christmas!

Delfouneso: Yeah! Emile you’re missing it, why are you sleeping!?

Heskey: I’m tired!

*Heskey turns and tries to get back to sleep*

Delph: Emile!

Delfouneso: Emile!

Delph: Emile!

Delfouneso: Emile!

Heskey: What!?

Delfouneso: How can you be tired? It’s Christmas!

Delph: Yeah! it’s Christmas!

*MON enters*

MON: OK everyone, ’round the table, christmas dinner’s on it’s way!

*Carew enters he’s holding a giant turkey with his oven mitted hands, he’s also wearing a frilly pinafore*

Cuellar: Och Johnny ye look like a girril in ya wee pinny!

*The Dinner hall erupts with laughter*

Delph (laughing): Pinny!

Carew: Pinny? What’s a Pinny? You mean my waist cape? Only the manliest of men wear these in Norway.

*The Dinner hall erupts with laughter again*

Delph (wiping a tear from his eye): Waist Cape!

*Milner and Downing look disappointed by what is a truly magnificent turkey*

Carew: What’s a matter guys … You don’t like my turkey?

Milner: It’s nay that big lad, it’s just ya southern softie Christmas dinnas man.

Downing: Aye, back oop north we’d get a house brick an’ gravy like.

Delph: Surprise!

*Delph presents a house brick and a mug of gravy from behind his back, a tear rolls down Milner’s cheek*

Milner: I’ve not been so happy since Jimmy Nail released his greatest hits man, Merry Christmas one an’ all!

MON: Well James, as you improved so much this year and you’ve been my player of the season I have another surprise for you ….. Mr Jimmy Nail!

*Jimmy Nail enters the the dinner hall guitar in hand, Milner wells up*

Milner: Jimmy!?

Nail: Aye Jimmy

Milner: This Christmas is proper mint!

*Jimmy Nail plays Crocodile shoes, everyone sways and sings along*