Date: 3rd November 2009 at 4:30pm
Written by:

Hercs and Eiricols Son with ‘in the dressing room’ spoofs:

Hercs:

*We join the lads preparing for West Ham*

MON: OK gentlemen, as usual I’ve done my in-depth analysis of our opposition and Frankie Dettori’s men don’t stand a chance against us.

*Young raises his hand*

MON: Ashley?

Young: isn’t Frankie the horse guy?

MON: Horses!? I’d not seen that during my analysis.

Robertson: Wasn’t our ‘analysis’ just watching last weeks Match of the Day at the pub boss?

*MON is already on his phone*

MON: Yes Chris, it’s Martin. Martin O’Neill.

….

MON: What do you mean you’ve never heard of me !? Martin O’Neill the Villa manager.

….

MON: No that’s Offiah and he’s rugby. Do you know Martin Offiah?

….

MON: Then why would he ring you then!? Anyway, I need Marlon back.

*MON hangs up*

MON: Heskey you’re up. Their horses will be no match for our donkeys.

NRC: Aren’t horses better than donkeys boss?

MON: Pipe down you, lest I put the slipper to your backside once more!

*NRC cowers sheepishly back into his chair*

Milner: I think tha’ Ashley’s reet boss, look…

*Milner holds up a picture of Frankie Dettori on ‘Racing Times’, he’s sporting a wide grin as usual and the headline reads ‘I don’t manage West Ham, I’m a Former Jockey’*

Petrov: Yis, West Ham’s manager is looking more like this…

*Petrov holds up a Troll doll, Petrov has shaved its head to the point it mimics male pattern baldness*

MON: Ah yes, Gianfranco Zola.

*Delph enters, he looks frantic*

Delph: has anyone seen Fabio? My troll doll? …… Fabio … no it can’t …. FABIO!!! Stilyan you monster!

*Petrov shakes the doll whilst talking out the side of his mouth*

Petrov: I am not the Fabio, I am the Zola. Carltony Coles go and score all the goal, now!

MON: Stilyan! Put Gianfranco Zola down this instant! And Zola I demand you put some clothes on!

————-

Eiricols Son

A dressing down in the dressing room! (West Ham Away)

The door to the Villa changing room opens just a crack, and our cameraman is able to take a quick snoop on the tactics for West-Ham away!

MON: Ok lads, this week I’ve decided that we’re going to have a tactic.
*Heskey raises hand*
MON: Yes lad?
Emile: I was just wondering why I’m in the team at centre back?
MON: Well you’ve been whining to play haven’t you?!
Emile: yes, but why at centre back?
MON: Well, I decided with you in the box nobody is going to score…
*Emile hangs head*
MON: Ok, on with the task in hand… our secret tactic for the game
*Warnock raises hand*
MON: Yes lad?
Warnock: Has it got anything to do with us hoofing the ball down the park
to John and Gabriel?
MON: WHAT!!!?? How could you possibly have found that out? It’s completely
top secret!!
Warnock: Lucky guess?
*Reo-Coker raises hand*
MON: Yes lad?
Reo: Thanks for putting me in the team boss… what changed your mind?
MON: Well i decided we need a bit of fight in midfield! Now then… onto
our next point – GOALS. Who is going to get me GOALS?
*Sidwell and Heskey raise hands*
MON: Any serious suggestions please?
Dunne: What about we play the ball to Ashley, and he falls over, and then
we can get free-kicks and penalties in dangerous areas?
MON: Ok, good plan, now get outa here and start scoring! Go on, vamoose!