I’ve Applied For The Managers Job

Dear Mr Ellis

I would like to put my name forward as the next manager of Aston Villa.

I would have thrown my hat into the ring last time around, or was it the time before, I forget, what with the revolving doors and all. Anyway, last time put me off because you actually had a squad at Aston Villa then and I don’t really like crowds. However I feel now we have no money and a tiny squad, that I would be perfect for the job.

Experience?

As much experience of being a manager as you have as being a successful chairman, ceo and bottle washer at Aston Villa.

Qualities?

I can stand and watch the Villa in a David O’Leary ‘thoughtful’ (read blank) pose or jump up and down (with the assistance of a pogo stick) and rant in a slightly more animated fashion if required. Having watched Villa since the age of 7, I know what I would expect from the players – that would be to at least look half interested during the 90 minutes and to kick the ball towards goal, preferably between the two posts (technical term, I can explain during my interview).

Motivation?

The money, you see I know full well that in two – three years time I would lose my job anyway and I rather fancy a slice of the pie. I’m not talking about the balti pies, I’m talking about the pay offs when it comes to the end of my reign and you wish me to leave quietly.

Remuneration?

I’m cheap. When women are involved very cheap, but that can wait for some back page headlines.

I would require just £50 000 a year and would guarantee that I would not slag off the wonderful fans of Aston Villa. I would need expenses, my main requirement would be a big steel capped boot to kick the players up their arses if they dared perform as they did last season (with some notable exceptions). I would also require ear plugs as I would nod and smile respectfully to you every time I saw your mouth move, but would prefer not to hear a word that came out of your mouth because between you and me, I don’t actually believe a single word you say.

So, do I get the job? The headlines are there in waiting. Fear Takes A Villa Park. And for 3 seasons time, if indeed I am that successful under your, ahem, ‘leadership’ Fear Out.

I look forward to my interview, no need to worry about providing me with a kit or anything, I’ve got an old one that was given to me by a successful captain of Aston Villa, yes, you’ve guessed it, one that was at Villa when you weren’t there. It shows the team of 82 lifting the European Cup. Again, you won’t know anything about that, what with being on a plane whilst all other Villa fans were at the ground or glued to their TV sets.

I can’t wait to get started, I’m considering Doris the tea lady as my number two, she is like a daughter to me and has taught me everything I know.

Regards

Jonathan