Latest insider gossip from Villa park
Our sneaky undercover reporter Avi Nalaf emerges from a giant yet somehow inconspicuous Balti pie to give us all the latest behind-the-scenes gossip at Villa Park.
It’s been a successful transfer window for the Villa, but the sudden increase in squad numbers has not been without its problems. The dressing room has been in turmoil since it was revealed that no-one at the club can remember any numbers above 20, resulting in twelve players demanding the number 8 shirt. No-one seems to know what a ‘right-back’ is supposed to do during a match. And the club shop only had enough vowels in stock for Agbonlahor’s shirt, resulting in this season’s eye-catching B4rry, C4r3w, H4r3w00d and R3o-C0k3r shirts – which the club hopes will sell well to owners of pimped-out Novas.
Quantum Physicists from the CERN Laboratory have begun investigating the mysterious spacial anomaly surrounding the left-wing position at V1ll4. Gareth Barry emerged from this space-time distortion two years ago and finally became visible to the England manager, but it now appears that poor Ashley Young has taken his place in an alternate reality in which he is invisible to corrupt bespectacled Italians, clueless grinning ginger Northerners and oily Scandinavian sex-pests. The scientists believe Stuart Downing’s parents may be responsible.
The signing of James Milner was a late transfer window boost for us, but it didn’t go down too well at Newcastle United, precipitating the departure of Kevin Keegan. The problems are now mounting for the Barcodes, with the recent revelation that corpulent pint-guzzling cash-sack Mike Ashley accidentally bought Newcastle on Ebay when he was drunk.
But not even I could predict that Keegan would end his reign by quitting because it was all bit difficult and complicated; nobody saw that one coming. The next thing you know, Theo Walcott will score an England hat-trick! Yeah, right…
Meanwhile, the footballing world has been shaken to its very core by the invasion of Man City. But this could just be the start of the upheaval. It seems the two Americans who own Liverpool on a timeshare basis have come together to make a stand against these ‘Muslim intruders’. They are already planning to invade the Middle Eastlands, citing ‘the possible existence of Wallets of Mass Destruction’ as justification. ‘These devastating financial capabilities can be effectively deployed within just 45 minutes,’ lied the Americans, pointing to activities on transfer window day. Tony Blair has offered to help in any way he can.
Roman Abramovitch has been pretty low-profile lately, and I can exclusively reveal why. It seems that, after a trophyless season at Chelsea, he went up to his room to sulk. He emerged in late August feeling much better, but soon afterwards was heard to complain that ‘that bigger boy in Manchester stole my Brazilian’, and threatened to buy all of the footballs so no-one else can play.
With the match at Tottenham Hotspur coming up on Monday, I’ve been doing some research into our next opponents and have come up with a few little known facts:
1) The club’s motto is ‘Audere est Facere’, Latin for ‘He Who Dares, My Son’.
2) Tottenham Hotspur is in fact a religious cult. Their beliefs state that this year they have the divine right to win 9 points per match, win every trophy by October and produce a team of such enviable world-class skill that opposing players are hampered by regular involuntary ejaculations during matches. This prophecy, they state, is statistically inevitable, because it has not occurred for the previous 126 years, and is therefore bound to happen sooner or later. When it again fails to occur, the prophecy will be revised to the following year.
3) Tottenham are owned by the fiercely loyal and strangely-monikered Mr ENIC International Ltd, a lifelong fan of 29.9% of Spurs. He is also a lifelong fan of 43% of AEK Athens, 11.8% of FC Basel, 20.2% of Glasgow Rangers, 96.7% of Slavia Prague and 99.9% of Vicenza, and is certainly not in it for the money.
4) It’s Lucky For Spurs When The Year Ends In One. Conversely, it’s Unlucky For Spurs When The Year Ends In Lasagne.
But my prediction? A sneaky 2-1 win for the mighty 4st0n V1ll4!
Join me next time, when we’ll be talking to Steve Sidwell about his favourite episodes of Trisha, and taking invaluable contraception tips from Gabby Agbonlahor.
Latest ‘Insider’ (Cough Cough) Gossip From Villa
Latest insider gossip from Villa park