Date: 21st January 2010 at 8:11pm
Written by:

We published the growing rumour earlier about potential ‘target’ Rangers striker Kris Boyd

Full article, if you can call it that: Record Scottish Scorer In Talks With Villa?

Well, apparently not. I’m told by an hp close to the club (source that is by the way just in case you need it spelling out, or sauce if you want to be exact… anyone still reading this?) that this is just not true, no talks have been held and the story has come out of nowhere.

So there you go. End of another rumour, maybe my made up links are more accurate than you thought…!?

My sources have told me thus far this month:

my sources tell me that David Villa is a massive fan of lions and wants to play with a lion on his badge. Now having delved a little deeper it also appears he has an adversity to the colour blue unless matched with a counter balance of claret and therefore, according to my exclusive source, he will listen to no offers other than from Aston Villa and he was indeed spotted at the Belfry the other day. He wasn’t playing golf though, he hates the game as he hates iron, the number three and sand. All makes perfect sense to me, watch this space.

Meanwhile I’m told that Chelsea striker Didier Drogba has had enough of life in London and due to his major interest in roads and motorways, fancies a move to Villa so he can push us into the Champions League and also study Spaghetti Junction more closely.

(The last item may or may not be true. Actually, the last item may not be true at all so the ‘may be true’ part of this warning is in fact, not true) :o)

I was just in Sainsbury in Redditch and saw David Villa and Craig Bellamy both having a right laugh and buying the best of Villa dvd’s.

(The last bit might not be totally true… or indeed might not be in any way true whatsoever)

Meanwhile, I’m told in exclusive transfer news that Argentinean striker Lionel Messi, currently at Barcelona, is lining up a shock move to Aston Villa due to his apparent obsession with the ultra rare lesser spotted newt which has been seen to reside near Bodymoor Heath. Some of you – including Messi apparently – will remember planning permission was held up at Bodymoor whilst the endangered species survey was carried out. Well, looks like from small newt to Argentinean star at Villa is not all make believe…. well, it is but not in my exclusive source in a parallel universe.

Meanwhile…. oh here we go…. the Daily Star claim that Real Madrid are going to bid £60m for Man Utd and England striker Wayne Rooney but I can exclusively reveal he is in fact targetting a shock move to Villa. Apparently Rooney is obsessed with HP sauce and wants to be closer to the source of the sauce. All we need to do now is stop him from finding out the factory which used to be close enough to the Aston Expressway to smell it, has in fact moved! Collette is said to be very excited in the prospect of moving to a City where people speak properly.

You heard it here first folks… unless Rooney takes legal action against this most scurrelous of rumours, then ‘you ain’t seen me… right?’ (copyright the Fast Show)

In another Vital Villa exclusive, it appears Villa might be on the verge of signing Torres from Liverpool in a shock move. My sources tell me that Torres is a mad keen bus lover and is keen to move to Villa Park due to the Aston Bus Museum and the fact he’s read the Vital forum and seen me mention a few of my mates who are restoring some old buses to their former glory (or as I say it, to be put back to being buses again – public transport is public transport, obviously having Jeeves to chauffeur me around means I don’t have to lower myself)

Meanwhile in a move that might well shock the footballing world, Cristiano Ronaldo has(n’t) admitted that he is on the verge of a move to Villa Park due to his obsession with Harry Potter films. The goofy one knows that one of the Weasley twins and the caretaker are Villa fans. As if that wasn’t enough Ronaldo is said to be addicted to Father Ted and wants to realise his dream of having a cup of tea with Villa fan Mrs Doyle.

All the above is 100% true and you can expect to see the movements within the next millennium.

In news that might shock the footballing world, it appears that Real Madrid stars Karim Benzema and Raúl are mad keen on a move to Villa Park due to their love of canals. Yes, I know, I know, most think Venice when they think of canals but not these two, they know the ‘secret’ of Brum is that we have more canals than Venice and want to move to Villa in order to pursue their careers whilst exploring the length and breadth of the Brummie ‘rivers’ in their gold plated canal barges. Rumours suggest they have already done the Watford to Birmingham run and even the current freezing conditions hasn’t put them off their quest to move to Villa – they are even prepared to pay part of the transfer fees themselves so board are they with the sun and life in Spain.

In shocking news, Villa are apparently set to buy £30million rated Atletico Madrid striker Sergio Agüero from under the noses of Chelsea. Apparently – and I can verify that this is about as true as 99% of the links to Villa – he is a massive fan of the Iron Man statue near the Town Hall (as he thought it was to do with the comic book and film and is still waiting for the casing to be taken off, so hush hush, don’t tell him that IS the statue for goodness sake) in Birmingham – a city he is a regular drinker in as he laps up the culture and museums. You heard it here first… you’ll only hear it here and that is because much like all the other links, it’s not actually true!

All not true folks, trust me.

Bookmark and Share