Date: 6th January 2009 at 11:46am
Written by:

Forum member Beefy started a thread for all the half time reports for the Villa players

Part One >> Click Here

Villa Players Half Term Reports Part Two


Dear Mr and Mrs Moore,

As you are aware Luke was expelled from school during the summer. Luke was showing a serious lack of applications during his studies for which he had great potential as a younger student. Unfortunately, he appears to have been heavily influenced by his older brother and we, the school, feel that this may have come as a direct result of bad parenting given the headmasters (Mr O’Neill’s) excellent track record with pupil development. Therefore, we have advised Social Services to monitor Luke where he can pursue a future career at the waste recycling plant. Luke did show promising signs during the annual field day trip to Middlesbrough often out performing fellow students in the ‘Third world equivalent English smog Cities which should be demolished or sold to Scotland’ geography project however, overall, this was unsatisfactory.

Luke has joined a lesser special needs school just down the road in Sandwell, and we hope he is showing signs of improvement in his ability and mentally – although we hasten to hold our breath. Astonishly, Luke was popular with some at the school who thought expelling him was harsh although the headmaster down the road has called to ask our advice on what he is strong at.




Dear Mr. and Mrs. Friedel,

We are all very pleased with Brad. Moving schools, especially as an older student, can be difficult but Brad has shown great maturity and settled in straight away.

He is always supportive of other students and regularly praises them during school as well as motivating students who are having a bad day. Some concern has been expressed that he tends to flap at questions which he is asked but we are sure that he will improve on this area and become an even more valuable member of the school as we get closer to exam time.




Mr & Mrs Ridgewell

I am sorry to inform you that your son did leave this school sometime ago and despite repeated warnings has sadly ended up in Borstal




Mr Reo and Miss Coker

Nigel has progressed steadily this year. We have provided much career advice, but as yet we are uncertain as to what career Nigel should take up when he leaves us. Obviously a position in Central Government was his preferred option, but he may have to consider something more Right Wing, or even the back benches.

All in all, Nigel is very popular with his class mates, and is always ready to help out wherever he’s needed.




Dear Mr & Mrs Davies

Curtis seems to have fitted into this School very well and I am sure one day he will become head prefect.

He will definitely be going to the University of England next year if he keeps up his excellent work rate.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you both for letting him join this prestigious School & hope that he can help restore it to it’s former glory




Dear Mr and Mrs Sidwell

We are pleased to say that your son has now finally found his feet after a few turbulent months of absence. Your son also holds a record of fastest pupil performing his duties within 40 seconds. We did have concerns of your sons inability to move forward with his day to day tasks and was often left going sideways and without no sense of direction or purpose. It has also been noted that there was a break down in communication with another student, Friedel that left him and your son very upset at the very end of playtime one Novembers afternoon.

Since that incident, Sidwell has come on leaps and bounds, arriving on time and helping his other fellow students with some very helpful support.

We can appreciate how it feels for him, Moving from London when he was around some of the most talented pupils within this country. We understand that a year is a long time not to be given the chance to showcase his talents and always watch from the sidelines. Sidwell has expressed a desire to do well and improve his chances of getting into England’s University for 2010.



Dear Mr and Mrs Milner,,

James will be 23 next week , I do think that it is about time your son , who after all has played 200 premier League games and 40 England U/21 internationals finally left school, Don’t you?
He really needs to step up and play with the big boys now , as he is no longer a promising 16 year old .



Mr and Mrs Young.

Lukes worked very hard this year, especially as he’s been placed in all the wrong classes. Whilst there were spaces for him in the classes that he prefers, those places were filled with older boys who were held back a year. So we decided to give Luke the opportunity to make other classmates feel very silly by being sat in their seat despite them just joining the school!

I am hoping on a restore to order in the new year with the return of headmaster Bouma, who should hopefully back things the right way round and Luke will then grow and develop like a boy at a ‘normal’ school.




Dear Mr and Mrs Bouma,

We require a doctors note for you sons sustained recent absence. Please advise on when your son is able to return and we urge that he does so as soon as possible due to inadequate replacements in classes. There is concern at your sons obesity and advise extra curricular activities to improve his health and fitness for personal performance.



Dear Mr and Mrs Knight,

Zatyiah has had a somewhat mixed term so far. On his first day in September a year ago he used his head well and solved a difficult problem. However, he simply MUST concentrate more in class. We all know he has the ability and it is most frustrating for us all to watch these lapses. He must try and forget about girls when studying. Does Zatyiah have a girlfriend that you know of?

Now, we understand it must be extremely exciting for him to have been accepted to his local school, the best in the area, but he must understand that our standards are somewhat higher than those in his previous establishment. He is no longer a big fish in a small pond, his current classmates will not put up with a straggler. He must also spend less time with his older brother, a bad influence in our eyes.

There have been a handful of bright spots however, most recently in the school’s Christmas nativity play, where Zatyiah was not happy to play the donkey again and instead took the role of one of the three wisemen, along with Gareth and Ashley. But, we must insist these glimpses of brilliance are all to few and far between. Please ensure he does not go out on school nights and that he only has contact with girls on Sundays. And please, discourage visits from his brother.

Please be aware that the next half of the term could very well make or break Zatyiah’s career, with us here at Villa Park Grammar at least.




Dear Mr & Mrs Lerner

Your son Randolph has done very well for himself.

He is the Guv’nor of this very famous school and is so much better than the last one.



One Reply to “Players Half Term Reports – Part Two”

  • All I’ve managed to find is that he played in their last match (away to Atalanta, they won 3-1), so he must be doing ok. Here’s a quote from the text commentary: ‘Great run by Mellberg on the right flank, the Swede dishes out a great cross with Amauri missing the ball by a few millimeters.’ Sounds like he’s still playing right-back!!!

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