Date: 20th January 2008 at 11:39am
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(No) Reports today are linking Aston Vanilla with a shock move for former Manchester United striker Ruud van Nistelrooy.

The Real Madrid striker, who has 36 goals in 54 games for the Spanish giants, is said to be bored of life in sunny Spain and craves life in Aston.

The players wife has apparently been spotted not only looking at houses in Castle Vale and Spark Brook but also has been photographed shopping in Aldi and Matalan. She is apparently excited at the prospect of shunning the many boutiques in Spain and sampling the delights of TK Maxx.

A source close to the player (when I say close I mean about 2000 miles away and having never met him) is quoted as saying ‘Ruud can’t wait as he loves to see his name quoted in the papers’.

Apparently Martin O’Neill has met with the player in an exclusive restaurant in Sutton Coldfield called McDonalds and was impressed with the enthusiasm from the striker but was apparently put off his food by looking at what can only be described as a horseface whilst attempting to eat.

According to some reports General Charles Krulak has threatened to storm the bastions of the Bernabéu if the striker refuses to sign a deal with us.

We at Vital Vanilla will of course keep you up to date with any non-developments and by the end of the week will be printed quotes from the player saying that he has never even been to McDonalds and his wife hasn’t in fact shopped at Matalan. To date there is no denials from the Horseface camp that they have indeed shopped at Aldi.

(Or in other words, the transfer window hasn’t shut as yet, lets not panic!)