*We join the lads gearing up for their clash against Liverpool. Paul Lambert is ending an important phone call*
Lambert: Inhumane? Inhumane!? With all due respect you’ve not seen Barry or Alan play football.
*Lambert hangs up frustrated*
Vlaar: Vlaaaaar Vlaaar?
Lambert: Yes Ronald, the last of the new airline sponsors has turned down my proposal to drop a sedated Alan and Barry in a random country, preferably war torn. Am I doomed to have them forever linger at my heels like stray dogs?
*Bannan and Hutton bound around panting*
Bannan: So are you going to play us now eh boss?
Hutton: Aye are ye gonna play us? because we can play, will ye play us?!
*They both whimper and give Lambert puppy dog eyes*
Lambert: Why can you pair not be more like Stephen? I don’t even know if he plays for us anymore…… Does he play for us any more?
*Ireland’s head emerges from a shisha cloud*
Ireland: Play what?
Lambert: Anyway, lads we can beat this Liverpool team just as we beat Arsenal and Chelsea… yes Jores?
Okore: Ok, I’m new to this Premier League but…. Did we not lose to Chelsea boss? When they scored more goals than us?
Lambert: We didn’t lose to Chelsea, we lost to ‘He who shall not be named’
Westwood: Voldemort!?
*Lowton and Westwood look at each other shivering with fear*
Lambert: What? No, I mean that cheating, blind, idiotic, bottling…
Guzan: The referee? Kevin Friend?
*Lambert hisses like a feral cat and launches with clawed hands at Guzan in a blind rage before Benteke and Helenius restrain him. Lambert calms re-adjusting his tie*
Lambert: Sorry Brad, I don’t know what came over me.
Delph: I call it ‘The dead mist’
Guzan: you mean RED mist.
Delph: Well I like to draw the line at yellow but when the mood takes you…. Not this season though, I’m channeling my homicidal rage into footballing performances. Did you know it’s an actual sport? I mean there are rules and everything and yellow cards are a BAD thing.
Lowton: Wow if you’re applying your rage to balling we’ll have a Messi on our hands!
Delph: It’s not going to be messy, I’m not going to be trying to dismember people any more, that’s what I’m saying, going to give this ‘football’ thing a go.
Luna: I think he means Lionel Messi Fabian, you know? Barcelona?
*Delph looks at Luna like he’s just fallen to Earth*
Delph: Um….Anyone know Spanish? I’m feeling kinda rude here.
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