Date: 17th August 2012 at 3:40pm
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*We join new Villa boss Paul Lambert being interviewed in the run up to the quickly approaching new season he is joined by new signings Vlaar and El Ahmedi*


Lambert: Hello everyone! Now I’m not sure how Mr.McLeish used to do these conferences but I’d like it to be relaxed, you know casual and we”ll answer as many questions as we can.


Interviewer#1: That’s a relief, I once asked Eck if he was expecting a win and he had me kidnapped and tortured for three weeks, sure they claimed to be Somali pirates but why would Somali pirates with suspiciously Scottish accents be driving a transit van around Bodymoor Heath?!


Lambert: … Um …


*Faulkner grabs Lambert’s microphone laughing nervously*


Faulkner: Please, please any footballing questions for Paul.


Interviewer#2: Mr.Lambert your arrival here draws parallels with Martin O’Neill’s term, how will you try and establish yourself as different


Lambert: I’m going to sub on Steve Sidwell at the 80th minute of every match, play Nigel Reo Coker at right back and have a bit of a scrap with him.


*The conference erupts with laughter*


Interviewer#3: Karim, welcome to England, so what are your first impressions of Villa?


El Ahmedi: Excellent! We may have lost our first home match and the fans use of celery is questionable but there is some real quality in the side and Mr.Faulkner has assured me we will win the shiny McDonald’s plate next time and even that they will drop the legendary Frank Lampard for me to play!


Interviewer#3: …Karim I think you may be mis…


*Faulkner grabs Lambert’s microphone laughing nervously again*


Faulkner: Next Question!


Interviewer#4: Ron, what have you got to say to the fans concerned that you can only say your own name much like the pokemon cartoon which inadvertently sounds like an old B-Movie Dracula affecting communication across the back line?

Vlaar: Vlaar, Vlaaaaaaar!!!


Interviewer#4: Fair point well made.


**********

*We join the lads gearing up for the first match of the season.Lambert is giving an inspirational team talk pointing at players as he raises their spirits*


Lambert: It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life!


*Dunne raises excitedly from his chair*


Dunne: For me! And I’m feeling good!


Lambert: You are? Excellent! I’ll pen you in next to Ron..


*Lambert scribbles on his notepad*


Dunne: No, no bass I’m injured… it’s just the song dere y’know?


Lambert: Song?


Dunne: Feeling good.


Lambert: Yes, I heard, I’m penning you in….


Vlaar: Vlaar Vlaaaaar!


Lambert: Oh, thanks Ron, Richard why didn’t you just say I’d inadvertently quoted a popular song’s lyrics? Anyway I appreciate all of your efforts over preseason. Some of you have been quite literally kicking my door down to get into the team injuring yourself in the process.


*Lambert casts his gaze on Herd who drops his head, there is commotion at the door, a thoroughly soaked and filthy man wearing a tattered Villa kit staggers into the room*


Lambert: Who in the world…?


Makoun: Mr….McLeish? … It is I Jean II Makoun! Zis Premier League is crazy non? One moment I am discussing ‘ow I feel ze side could be more attacking in pre season ze next I am waking with an ‘eadache ‘aving to dig ma way out of a shed in Aberdeen with ma bare ‘ands. Still it could be worse I could be sent to France like Joey Barton.


Lambert: Um… Yes….That’d be…. Horrible…. Anyway I trust we are… Gabby? Why are you hiding behind your chair?


Gabby: The news said James Collins could come back to haunt us! I didn’t even know he was dead… Though it does explain a lot of his performances last season….


Lambert: He’s not dead Gabby, he just plays from West Ham now.


Gabby: It’s even worse! Poor James, I’ll send him my condolences.


Makoun: It could be worse he could have been sent to France, I hate France.


Lambert: Ha ha! Yes let’s change the subject..