Date: 21st June 2012 at 10:21am
Written by:

*We join the lads gathered in the dressing room to meet their newly appointed manager Paul Lambert*

Albrighton: I’ve heard he’s positive, and that he’ll try and get the best of us rather than making us play like human shields!

Collins: Gutted.

*Lambert Enters, he’s wearing long robes and a wizard’s hat.*

Lambert: Good mornin’ everyone!

*The lads reply in unison with robotic voice like primary school children*

All the lads: Good. Mor-ning. Mr Lambert.

Lambert: What is this!? Where is your life!? Your gusto!? Your Joie De Vivre!?

N’Zogbia: He speaks fluent french! Magnifique!

Lambert: You needn’t call me ‘Mr.Lambert’ Call me Paul, Lambo or the Great Lambini!

*the lads look each other cautiously*

Lambert: Or boss…. Whatever you’re comfortable with. I want you to feel able to express yourselves.

*Samir Carruthers stands in panic, hands pressed to the sides of his face.*

Carruthers: Express myself!? What!? I don’t know …. Waaaaaaah!!

*Carruthers runs and throws himself out through a nearby window his head then pops up anxiously outside the window frame’s broken glass edges looking side to side*

Lambert: Um …. Yes I realise this concept may be …. Difficult for some of you after your last season. Now the media and some fans think I’m going to waltz in here and wave a magic wand and fix all the club’s problems. Of course this is not the case.

*the lads look a little disappointed.*

Lambert: Only kidding!

*the lads gasp as Lambert does a few waltz steps before pulling a magic wand from his robe*

Lambert: Alakazam!

*Lambert points the wand at Carruthers who immediately appears back in his seat and calm with the window repaired, the lads gasp in amazement*

Lambert: Hocus Pocus!

*Lambert points the wand at Ireland who promptly sprouts a luxurious mane of blonde hair*

Ireland: Awesome! Finally I can shave meself a mohican and dye it pink!

Lambert: Um … Maybe not.

*Lambert waves the wand again and Ireland is returned to normal*

Ireland: Ah well.

Lambert: Now it will require some work from you guys…. I’ve assesed the team and it’s failings and will address them…. First, Chris.

Herd: Yes Mr…. I mean um … Lambo?

Lambert: Yes, look, here we have a door. It is opened like so.

*Lambert calmly approaches the door, gently presses down its handle and it clicks open.*

Lambert: Now you come and have a try.

*Herd joins Lambert tentatively at the door that he has just closed, Herd gives a frightened look at Lambert who nods reassuringly back*

Herd: Just … Give it a go?

*Lambert nods, Herd begins wildly thrashing and kicking towards the door before looking at Lambert who has simply raised his eyebrows, Herd composes himself and presses down on the door handle*

Herd: ….I did it!

*The lads applaud*

Lambert: Yes. Well Done Chris. You just needed to believe in yourself.

Albrighton: Wow, he did that thing where someone does something good and they say something nice about you!

Lambert: Praise Marc.

Albrighton: He knows my name! Did you hear everyone!? He knows my name!