*We join McLeish after his talks and subsequent sacking from Aston Villa Football Club, he has emptied his desk into a box and is leaving the offices for a final time when the box splits and his belongings spill on to the steps.*
McLeish: Balls! Today is NOT Big Eck’s day!
*A number of players step over McLeish sniggering as he collects his things, Heskey who is carrying a large holdall carrying the contents of his locker rests it down and helps McLeish*
McLeish: Why thank ye Emile.
Heskey: No problem boss …. Erm … Mr.McLeish …..Erm Alex?
McLeish: Aye. Alex will do.
*Heskey studies a few of the things he passes back into the now re-assembled box*
Heskey: You have a few Fulham season highlight DVDs, I didn’t realise you were a fan?
McLeish: Are ye kiddin’? They have the most nil-nil matches in Premier League history! Captivatin’ stuff
Heskey: Um…. Yeah … I’m sure.
McLeish: Aye Emile. There’s a match between them and Derby County, 2007-2008, nil-nil, they just stared at each other for 90 minutes, it was amazin’ there was only one shot from both teams, off-target. and that was just the wind blowing the ball from the centre spot half a foot north at the beginning of each half.
Heskey: Wow… That sounds…. Great(!)
McLeish: Ye can come ’round and watch it anytime Emile, me, you I’ll get some popcorn an’….
Heskey: …Um… I won’t be able to make it boss….Alex, I’m busy then I’m afraid.
McLeish: I didnae stipulate a date, it was an open invitation.
Heskey: Yeah … Um I’ll be busy.
McLeish: But ye’ve nae even got a club….
Heskey: ….Busy.
McLeish: Right, OK then, well thanks for tha’ hand. See you around.
*McLeish stands again lifting his box and heading to his car.*
*Heskey hoists his bag onto his shoulder, staring after McLeish*
Heskey: Um …. Boss Alex, can you give me a lift maybe?
McLeish: A lift? Ye’ve got yer own car? what’s up with it?
Heskey: Nothing, it’s just …. Well it takes me hours to drive home.
*McLeish looks confused*
McLeish: You live ten minutes up the road?
Heskey: Yeah … But I go to take the left …. I miss it …. I go to take the third exit on the roundabout … I miss it … I go ….
McLeish: Yes, yes I understand. Alright Emile I suppose one good turn deserves another.
Heskey: It takes me ages to turn boss I have the turning circle of the Earth Granty says…
McLeish: Yes, anyway hop in, it’s open.
*McLeish and Heskey take their seats*
Heskey: Woooo! Road trip!
McLeish: Please Emile, no excited exclamations in my car, it’s one of my rules.
Heskey: Right, sorry. Wow look at us, we’re like Crockett and Tubbs, Riggs and Murtaugh, whatever the names of Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan are in the Rush Hour films.
*Heskey does Chris Tucker’s Rush Hour ‘in-car dance’. McLeish is just staring at Heskey*
Heskey: What? You want to be Chris Tucker? I mean I’m fine with being Jackie Chan if…
McLeish: No dancing or any kind of ‘rhythmic movement’ in the car, it’s another of the rules, actually Emile, just read the book in tha’ glove box an’ save me tha’ time.
*Heskey pulls out a thick laminated book labelled ‘Car Rules’ and reads through them, after a few he remarks….*
Heskey: …. How could you even score a single or multiple goals from inside your car?
McLeish: Ta be honest Emile, that was tha’ least of tha rules I was worried about with ye.
*There is a large tearing sound*
Heskey: Um…. Boss…. I may have ripped the book.
McLeish: Ripped it!? It’s laminated! And one of the rules is not to rip the rule book! Saints above …. I’m too old for this sh….
Heskey: Hey! I let you be Chris Tucker you’re not taking Murtaugh too!
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