Villa News – ‘When HE Finally Goes’

Well, just as we started to think that Doug Ellis would go on forever, it is with some sadness that the footballing world says goodbye and rest in peace to the ‘beloved’ Villa chairman who passed away at the age of 132 today in his Villa office.

Doug, famous for building an empire at Villa in the conference league will be sadly missed by, well………..erm, his family.

Dave Woodhall, editor of H&V said ‘Doug should have left 60 years ago’.

Jonathan Fear of Villa Fans Un-Combined retorted ‘Dave doesn’t speak for me. I think Doug should have left 60 years ago’.

The Comer brothers are still apparently in the process of due diligence and are favourites to finally gain control of the club. Life long Villa fan Michael Neville, who it transpires wasn’t born in Solihull at all, said ‘we are close, we are very confident that a deal will be brokered within the next decade’. Adding ‘we obviously had hoped that the deal would be completed back in 2006 but there were hitches along the way, but we are now very confident. We also understand that planning permission might be forthcoming for the land bank the club has acquired after the previous 359 applications failed on the grounds that no one wants to build in Aston.’

Villa’s 96th manager under Doug Ellis, Steve Stride Jnr said ‘He really was good at tennis. Now we’ve got to hope that the new buyers will be able to help restore Villa to its former glories. It is just a shame that Tesco now stands where Villa Park once was, although ‘The Doug Ellis Is Great Really Stadium’ just outside of Tamworth is more than enough to seat the 1000 fans we have left.’

Villa chef, Jonathan Fear, who operates the burger bar at the ‘D.E.I.G.R Stadium’, said: ‘I note with interest that Doug’s main fault was in choosing managers. We all thought it was a joke – then pauses and says, sorry, I can’t say ‘we’ I meant ‘I’ thought it was a joke when David O’Leary first arrived, little did I realise after he took us to the Cola League 2 that he’d be replaced by Jasper Carrot, now that really was a joke. Obviously after his unfunny spell as manager we resorted to the manager rotation system where players and fans alike took it in turns to work under Ellis. Then things really took a turn for the worse when Doug decided to do the job himself. His attempts to teach the players how to do a bicycle kick ended up with 3 players in plaster cast having taking the exercise literally and kicked in 50 year old midfielder Lee Hendrie’s moped. The saddest chapter has to be when the managers position was chosen by the ITV show Manager Idol, no one wanted to take part so Sharon Osbourne and Simon Cowell had a go’.

Adding:

‘Still, it could have been worse, we could have supported the now defunct Birmingham City’.

Jack Petchey was unavailable for comment as he has been cryogenically frozen as he waited to turn a profit on the shares in Villa that he bought in 2003. His pr said that he was to be de-frosted to be told the news.