Date: 30th January 2009 at 3:57pm
Written by:

It seems that, the process required to make my triumphant return to the main page of a large website has been somewhat simple in comparison to a number of my fellow limelight seekers.

After all, compare the simple task of logging into the Vital Football Admin pages to that of Charles N`Zogbia (take note Joe). Not content in his previous efforts to engineer a move away from St James Park to his perfect destination of Villa / Arsenal / Lyon / Button Moon / “YOUR NAME HERE,” he`s taken a simple mistake, the kind you`d expect of a man Joe Kinnear`s age, to heart.

When quizzed about the poor players current squad status, Mr Kinnear sadly had a bit of an OAP moment, confusing his favourite Faithless track, with his French U21 international midfielder.

Turning our attention to someone else who’s been screaming “I can’t get no sleep” recently is former Big Brother housemate, Chanelle Hayes. Not satisfied with that god awful tabloid based relationship with “Ziggy” (who names their child Ziggy?), and possibly the worlds worst “sex tape,” my trip to the shop / post office was stopped in it`s tracks.

It appears that she`s enjoyed some bedroom gymnastics with none other than Mini-Me.


I never thought I`d find someone more desperate for the limelight despite failing, than Arsene Wenger!

Anyway, there`s a game on, and it doesn`t involve a lack of sleep, midgets, Arsene Wenger or a left back at left back. It`s Villa, it`s Wigan, and it`s HESKEY IS A VILLAN!

Vital Quotes:

Q: Who said this?

“There are five or even six teams who could still win the title. Do not rule out Aston Villa and even Everton. It is much tighter than people think.

Not sure if anyone`s noticed, by the gap between 1st and 6th is a whopping 13 points. Sorry toffeeÂ…you aren`t winning this year!

(Finally) turning our attention to all things claret & blue, Villa boss Martin O`Neill has been a wee bit more realistic about the Premier League this season, saying that the Wigan revival highlights just what a strange season we`re all having. He spoke to the official website, having taken time out of the Kaka negotiations and being the only football manager I would say in the world to use the phrase “with gay abandon.”

“You just have to look at the table and you see, every week, teams moving places with gay abandon.

“Anything can happen in any particular week. You can win, pick up three points and you have moved up six places in the table. It is extraordinary this season.

“Some teams can be worrying about relegation and then two wins later all the talk is about European football – it really is that tight. It’s amazing.

The fun thing about us of course, is the fact that we aren`t speaking about relegation, it`s European qualification, or league champions, yeeha!

MON added:

“After we beat Wigan at the JJB Stadium, Steve – on the face of it – looked a bit concerned. He was a bit down after the game.

“But what did they go and do? They won six out of nine games in a fantastic run. That can happen. It can happen to any team.

“It is so, so tight. I have never known it like this. It’s been like this since the start of the season and I can’t see it changing.”

Meanwhile, our tame big man who wobbles oft, Emile Heskey faces his old club almost straight away. Following his superb performance against Portsmouth midweek, he`s warned Wigan that sentiment has gone out of the window alongside Arsenal`s title chances.

Ok he didn`t mention Arsenal, but he did say:

“There`s been a lot of banter flying about as I`ve only been gone a week! I`ve had a couple of calls already. Wigan were good to me. I still like everyone there and the chairman has done a great job getting them to where they are.

“But it`s a case of me being professional and doing my job. We want to go out there and put in a good performance.

“We have to take the game to Wigan from the outset, we will have to play very strongly. They are on a decent run. We know it will be hard but we know that about every game we go into.”


On the other side of the 4th officials bench, Potato Head (that name will never leave the minds of Villa fans will it?) has hinted that there is no special plan to cancel out the threat of the Mule, and that his defenders will carry on as normal.

He told erm, somebody:

“I have a huge respect for him for what he did for the club. I’ve had him for a few years and I enjoyed working with him,’ said Bruce.

“I hope the goal he scored midweek (a winner against Portsmouth) is his quota for a while.

“The central defenders we have here are very good and we’ll go about our job as we normally do.”

Thanks spud-man, but that`s enough of your nonsense!

AVFC Claret & Blues Team News:

According to Martian O`Neill, John Carew will be in the Villa squad having managed 45 minutes of a behind-closed-doors (do outdoor football pitches have doors?) friendly. Wilf Bouma, who also played in the match, isn`t quite ready.

Joining him on the sidelines are obviously captain fantastic Martin Laursen, vice-captain clueless Nigel Reo-Coker, and Marlon.Harewood.
Ashley Young is suspended.

I`d expect same again for Wigan as we had against Portsmouth. Let`s hope for a better performance mind, and, the good news that the “Togolese Zidane” isn`t on the bench. I don`t know about anyone else, but I don`t remember Zidane being so poor. Maybe it`s the Togo bit that`s wrong?

Player to watch: Emile Heskey

Heskey, it has to be. Fantastic goal that no doubt silenced a few critics midweek, can he continue what was a fantastic start in the AVFC claret & blue, which I must say in a non gay-abandon fashion, suited him quite nicely.

Potato Pie Men Team News:

Wigan are set to welcome back goalkeeper Chris Kirkland who had a bad back. Everyone else is fairly fit and healthy except for influential winger Antonio Valencia who is suffering from hamstring woe.

Player to watch: Mido

Mido was much the discussion on the Vital Villa forums before he signed for Wigan, as one poster even suggested that the slightly rotund Egyptian would be a good addition to the squad.

As time wore on from the “Villa agree Heskey fee” story, I had even speculated that Mido had eaten Heskey, before the England international had a chance to escape the JJB Stadium.

That said, a fine penalty goal against Liverpool gave him a great start in the blue and white of wig-wam, however not as great as “that” Marlon Harewood over-head kick equaliser at Anfield. A big threat, lets hope we can force him out “wide” and he doesn`t have the “weight” to press on our defenders.

Match Facts & Stats

It had to be, thanks Charles!

Now for some Heskey facts:

Emile William Ivanhoe Heskey, to give him his full name, was born in Leicester and is of Antiguan descent. Probably a good job he didn`t opt to play for Antigua, nice place it seems from my parent`s holiday snaps, but they lie 127th in the Fifa Rankings.

Right erm, Heskey, yes, according to Wikipedia, Emile has 5 children.

It seems Heskey`s scoring record is better than on the pitch, as he has been oft-criticised for being low down the scoring charts, despite being described as a “striker.”

Having spent a long time in the international wilderness, Emile was recalled to the England squad in 2007, where he excelled; alongside a certain Villa former want away now captain again somehow what`s the deal with that? Gareth Barry.

I also hope, that Vital Villa member Neilh111 does not mind me quoting him on one of the funniest comments I`ve ever seen on Vital Football. Neil said: “I don’t think Harewood has started a league game yet. Although if he is playing against Titus Bramble, even Harewood will turn him inside out. It will be like the QE2 and the Queen Mary trying to out turn each other.”

The best estimate I have on the turning circle of the Queen Mary 2, is half a mile.

The pitch at Villa Park is considerably smaller than half a mile, and, this brings up an interesting query as to the point of starting either player, as by time they`ve turned around at any point, they will be considerably out of play.

Ref Watch:

Oh lord, it`s Rob Styles. It`s not often I wish to highlight good things coming out of the Hawthorns, but this week Albion boss Tony Mowbray said:

“A yellow card instantly comes out for our players and he (Styles) hasn’t got a clue what his name is.”

“It’s not something you have to be a lip-reader to do; referees genuinely are on first-name terms with some of these players.

“We had Mr Styles at Chelsea. It was, ‘Frank (Lampard) this and Frank that.”

“It’s almost as if refs want to be friends of the stars.”

He also said:

“Our game got delayed and the referee gets to call me and Sir Alex into the corridor to have a chat.”

“I don’t think he even saw me and yet it’s ‘Sir Alex this’ and ‘Sir Alex that’.”

It`s safe to say that Mr Mowbray doesn`t like Mr Styles.

Match Prediction:

Sadly, due to being lazy, my Xbox isn`t set up at the moment so I cannot predict the game in the normal manner. It`s going to be a hard fought 2-1, and we`re going to sneak a 3rd on the counter to make it a 3-1 victory. Mug`s already commented, as has Lawro, so that`s it!

Next Fixtures:

It`s the Donny replay on a Wednesday and I`ve got a cracking tune lined up for it! Standby for action!