Date: 28th May 2015 at 3:29pm
Written by:

With the big Wembley build up for the FA Cup Final against Arsenal, Hercs is back with the second of a two part dressing room insight……


*We join the lads in anticipation before their FA Cup Wembley Final. Sherwood arrives on a chariot to a hero’s trumpet fanfare!*

Sherwood: Villa players! How’re you doing!? You good? You look good. Good. Positive vibes everyone. Positive vibes.

Gabby: Woooooo! Vibes!

Sherwood: That’s the spirit Gabby. Jack, decided if you’re English or Irish yet buddy?

Grealish: Not yet boss. Ta be sure, cor blimey guv’nah.

Sherwood: Right. That would explain why you’re morris dancing with your top half and river dancing with your bottom son, sit down and save some energy for the final eh?

*Grealish performs a finishing stamp before putting down his bells and taking a seat*

Sherwood: So… I’m always thinking of ways to spread the positive vibes. This time I thought I’d bring some of your proud, previous bosses with their motivational well wishes. So first it’s Paul Lambert! Paul Lambert everyone!

*Lambert staggers in still wearing a tattered Villa tracksuit smelling of defeat with a hint of alcohol, Sherwood looks on anxiously*

Lambert: Heeeey! Well if it isn’t Christian Benteke, look everybody they found Christian Benteke after he went missing for 20 weeks while I was boss! Y’know when I said he could do anything I didn’t expect him to make himself disappear like David bloody Copperfield!

Sherwood: *ahem*

Lambert: Oh yeah the positive stuff, erm go out there and if you lose it’s OK because you’re against Arsenal and you can’t be expected to beat Arsenal.

Sherwood: O….K. Paul Lambert everyone!

*Sherwood hurriedly applauds between ushering Lambert out*

Sherwood: Right so now with hopefully a little more positivity it’s…

*Sherwood checks his notepad before sighing*

Sherwood: Alex McLeish.

McLeish: Hi everyone! ……. yes well lads If there’s anything I’ve learnt in my stint in Belgium it’s tha’ boring football with nay attacking desire is internationally loved. Get out there and bore that crowd stupid they’ll no be expecting tha’ Keep it 0-0 get the point and everyone’s a winner!

Sherwood: It’s a cup final Eck there has to be a winner. There aren’t any ‘points’.

McLeish: Aye, ya heard Tim lads, get out there and play the most pointless football of yer lives.

Sherwood: That’s not what I… Forget it, GĂ©rard?

Houllier: Ah, jus’ give ze ball to Darren, ‘e will save us.

Wiemann: Um you mean Benty? He’s out on loan Mr. Houllier.

Houllier: He is? Oh zen, uh…. pass it to….. zis guy.

Gabby: That’s our Manager.

*Sherwood is resting his face in his hands as Houllier points at him*

Houllier: OK zat guy.

Delph: That’s a house plant.

Houllier: I give you ze plan A, ze plan B and plan C. Now go and win!

Sherwood: Right well that was positive, kind of, now finally many will remember Martin O’Neill! Give it up for Martin everyone!

*The lads applaud as MON makes his return*

MON: Please, you’re too kind. Now when I was approached about this I thought ‘When Aston Villa football club turn to me in their hour of need of course I’ll not let them down’

Sherwood: Really? Well that’s nice Martin I mean it’s great that a former boss can hold such respect for the…. Martin why are you climbing out the window? Martin!? MARTIN!?

*MON disappears out of the window and off into the distance*

Sherwood: Well. That was um, interesting. What’s left to say is feed the big man and there’s no reason we can’t win this… Gabby what’re you doing with your phone out son? I’m rousing you for the big game here.

Gabby: Ordering pizza for Fat Steve our car park attendant, you said if we feed him we ..

Sherwood: I was talking about Christian!

Gabby: Oh, yeah makes more sense I suppose, so what do you want?

Benteke: Meat feast.

Gil {*whispering*}: {I too would like a meat feast}

Sherwood: what?! No pizza! I mean feed him like a metaphor if I said go out and kill them you wouldn’t actually kill them would you?

Delph: Can we kill them?

Sherwood: No. No killing and no take out.

*Benteke and Delph fold their arms in a strop*

Sherwood: Look after we win the game you can have all the pizza and killing you like. Christian we need you at your goalscoring best, Fabian loving you adding goals to the wanton acts of brutality. Go out there and earn that meat feast!!!

*The lads cheer ‘Meat Feast, Meat Feast, Meat Feast!’ (with the occasional ‘Murder’ thrown in by Delph) with a buzz of excitement all around*


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