Date: 21st May 2012 at 10:27am
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SSN sources understand that after highly confidential and protracted discussions with Aston Villa’s billionaire owner Randy Lerner regarding the vacant managerial position, Fabio Capello has declined to proceed further. Speculation had been fuelled by the reported sighting of Lerner’s private plane landing in a remote airport in Greenland…..erm sorry Greendale.

Saucers close to Capello’s assistant and close confidante have stated that a number of concerns had led to Capello terminating his interest. His assistant has reportedly said that the transfer budget available was deemed insufficient to rebuild an ailing squad being quoted as saying ‘the kitty on offer just wasn’t big enough.’ Capello had also reportedly encountered problems securing his release from his current contract.

Apparently investors in his current employer’s corporation had threatened to withdraw their longstanding investment if he breached his contract. The BBC were concerned this would lead to them losing some of their remaining sporting rights, such as Happy Hippo and Twister Grand Finals, to Sky. A source close to the club also revealed that they also had a number of reservations about Capello’s plans, most notably regarding his trusted managerial team. In particular there had been a misunderstanding about the role of his assistant known as ‘The Cat’. Apparently the club were labouring under the misconception that he had been given this nickname due to his reputation as a high class goalkeeping coach. concerns were raised when it was revealed that he had received this nickname due to his propensity to stay out all night and sleep all day.

Due to the recent late night shenanigans of players it was felt that this would be an ill advised appointment. The source close to the club was later revealed to be Gergioiu Kebabeatari of the nearby Aston Fish Stories Bar. Stories were escalating about player unrest at the potential appointment. In particular star striker Darren Bent was said to be disgruntled at losing his mantle as ‘The Mail Man’. The award winning groundsman was also said to be concerned about the possibility of Capello’s assitant burying hos own excrement under the pristine Villa Park pitch. Even the club’s mascot and highly renowned journalist on Vital Villa, Hercs, was said to be disgruntled, reportedly fuming ‘There’s only room for o one Big Cat round here’.

The final straw was said to be mounting opposition to the possible appointment on internet fan forums. A campaign, led by site Vital Villa stated that after the previous incumbent, a Ginger Tom known as Eck, this appointment would unacceptable to fans. The campaign is being driven under the slogan ‘IT’S NOT WHERE YOU COME FROM IT’S WHAT YOU WILL DELIVER’. Another Scoop…..a poop from SSN.

Rowley Villa