Date: 10th May 2010 at 12:34pm
Written by:

*We join the lads gearing up for the clash against Blackburn, MON is sporting a wide grin*

A.Young: Why so happy boss?

MON: Because Ashley, a certain player who isn’t with us anymore doesn’t look like he’ll be playing Champion’s League next season after all.

Carew: …. Who’s not with us any more?

MON: Gareth Barry of course.

Gabby: Gareth’s dead!?

MON: What? No of course he’s not dead, am I wearing a party hat?

A.Young: Isn’t that a bit bitter boss?

MON: Bitter!? In the bible did Judas Ischariot play Champion’s League after betraying Jesus?

*The lads shrug at the rhetorical question except Gabby who is pondering an answer*

Gabby: ….. Yes?……

MON: No Gabriel.

Gabby: No?…. Wasn’t he the little bloke with the good dribble and the ‘hand of God’

MON: That’s Maradonna Gabriel and it was the in the World Cup.

Gabby: Was that before she was a singer then boss?

MON: Singer? What are you….?

Gabby: She had ‘Unbelivable Tekkers’

MON: Gabriel how many times have I said not to say that silly slogan with that silly voice?

Carew: What slogan boss?

MON: ‘Unbelievable Tekkers’

*the dressing room erupts with laughter*

Carew: No one does the voice as good as you boss!

MON: Enough of this foolishness anyway. It’s been an eventful season lads … and ….

*MON is welling up with tears, he sniffs*

MON: and …. Well against a team managed by Sam Allardyce I can imagine some of you won’t be making it back.

*The team look at each other in shock*

MON: I mean last time we played Blackburn ….. Well…. Nigel met his end.

NRC: Hey! I’m not dead.

MON: You are to me!

*The dressing room erupts with laughter*

MON: Honestly Nigel you can’t just agree with me can you? Always have to put your two penneth in. James … James, you seem a little distracted today?

*Milner is polishing his young player of the year award, he looks up from the Brasso and rag*

Milner: Aye sorry boss, just admirin’ me Young Player of tha Year award like.

Carew: Ah, I won that once, it was the proudest moment of my life.

*A sceptical Ashley Young checks Wikipedia on his trusty ever-present laptop*

A.Young: It doesn’t say anything here about you wining young player of the year John?

Carew: Oh I thought you said ‘Hung Playa of the Year’

*Ashley checks the laptop again*

A.Young: Oh yeah.

AND ON TO POST BLACKBURN

*We join the lads upset with the loss but over all satisfied with the league’s end*

MON: Well lads, we lost to Blackburn again. On the plus side though Sam Allardyce’s men didn’t kill any of us.

L.Young: What about Steve boss?

*Luke Young points to the coffin rested on three dressing room chairs.*

MON: Oh…. Yes …. Stephen is a sorry loss, his father Neil will be here to pick up his remains.

*MON places a lily on the coffin, a muffled voice chimes from inside it*

Warnock: I’m not dead and Neil’s not my dad!

L.Young: Hang on boss, I can hear his voice!

MON: We all can Luke, we all can. He was a great man….

Downing: Noor man, he’s alive … In the coffin like.

MON: Lads, lads lets not get delirious with grief, Robbo take Stephen to his resting place.

*Robertson wheels out a trolley.*

Warnock: No! Wait! This is just the bosses ploy to do his yearly full-back replacement! Let me out!

*MON ‘shoos’ Robertson to move with more urgency whilst the padlock on it’s side jumps each time the lid is banged from the inside.*

Warnock: I’m alive! Aliiii…….

*The door closes behind Robertson as he exits with Warnock*

A.Young: So boss everybody’s asking ….. What’re you going to do now?

MON: You’re right, everybody is asking and all this talk of my ‘uncertain future’ forced me to search out Glenn Hoddle’s psychic.

A.Young: Oh yeah? What did she say?

MON: Not much more than ‘don’t go to the paralympics’

A.Young: Oh …. Right. Any idea if you’re going to be selling anyone over the summer.

MON: Not the foggiest Ashley.

NRC: Boss I can see that you’re pointing at your palm in my direction.

MON: What Nigel? I did nothing of the sort.

NRC: You’re still doing it! Now you’re nodding, winking and appear to be mouthing the words ‘Nigel Reo-Coker’

MON: Nigel I’m offended! I would never make my business so commonplace.

Carew: And what about this ’20 a season’ striker all the fans are calling for?

MON: Not to worry John. That striker is already with us and next season he’ll be the ’20 a season’ man.

Carew: I think it’s a little unfair to heap so much pressure on Nathan boss, he is still just a kid and…

MON: Who said anything about Nathan?

*MON tosses Heskey an object, he instinctively catches it and peers down into his hand*

Heskey: Benson & Hedges?

MON: Yes. Twenty.

Heskey: But boss …. I don’t smoke and I don’t think…

MON: Emile is there anything you do do? No Goal chair!

Heskey: But.

MON: Now!

*Curtis Davies and Bouma chuckle*

MON: Who on Earth are you!? Security! Security!